Every day, families make difficult decisions, often without expert guidance. This spring, my daughter struggled for weeks trying to decide which day camp her seven-year-old would attend this summer. She’s a researcher at heart and reads scores of newspapers and internet articles on parenting. School administrators and government officials also grapple with making important community decisions without clear guidelines.
Yet, it’s common for adults to face decisions without any guarantees. Should I look for a new job? Should we move to a new neighborhood? Should I buy a new car? Should we have a child now? Decisions, big and small, are the fare of everyday life.
Humans are blessed with a relatively primitive nervous system and a sophisticated brain. Our pre-frontal cortex enables us to think, reflect, imagine, consider, and evaluate the potential risks and liabilities of any decision. It also helps us pursue potential opportunities. Our ancient nervous system primes us to react, especially to potential threats. There is a natural bias towards risk detection. Our brain is wired for survival—not for happiness.
Often, we over-rely on thinking as the best way to make a decision. Round and round we go—stewing over lists of pros and cons, internet posts, consumer feedback, consulting friends and relatives, and then repeating the whole process again—and again. Making a decision can feel like climbing a mountain-trying to be sure of the best and safest route to the top.
We’ve evolved to “overthink” everything. (Yes, there are some people who clearly don’t use enough of their cerebral cortex!) The internet throws gasoline on this fire. Everything is reviewed, vetted, evaluated and critiqued by customers. Want to book a hotel room? Read two hundred reviews by happy and miserable consumers, all of whom stayed at the same hotel. Almost everything is rated by someone.
So, what are some antidotes to overthinking?
Set a limit for your internet search. The internet is an excellent tool for learning about anything. But it can also be a sinkhole, without a bottom, that can suck you in and swallow you whole. Set a time limit for your search. Then call it a day.
Do talk to experienced friends or relatives. It can be helpful, and much less painful, to learn from other people’s experiences. But choose your interviewees carefully. Pick individuals without a stake in your decision.
Don’t let fear rule your decision-making. We all want things to go our way. We want to stay at a great hotel, eat a wonderful dinner, find our dream job, and live in a beautiful home. Overthinking provides us with the illusion of control. If we just consider, evaluate, and think enough, everything will work out. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.
Don’t be afraid of making a mistake. Do I go left or right? If I go right and am unhappy with the result, then I am sure I should have taken the left turn. But really, how do I know if turning left would have been so good? We can’t go back and stay at the runner-up hotel. Don’t let fear stop you from being decisive.
Don’t second guess your decision. Have you ever had buyer’s remorse? As soon as you decide and act on it, you think you should have done something else. This is a great recipe for driving yourself crazy!
Life is a learning experience. When I moved to Washington, I carefully vetted a job offer, which I took—it turned out to be an awful position! But then it led me to a wonderful company, The Everett Clinic, now Optum Care Washington and a great job I had for a quarter of a century. Life is change—filled with new experiences, painful and pleasurable, all of which help us grow and mature into the person we hope to be.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.
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