You know the drill. “If you stay in your seat for five more minutes, stop fighting with your little sister, or stop crying you can have ice cream for dessert.” Or some variation on that.
All parents resort to bribery in moments of crisis. I remember when my 3-year-old spirited child needed a monthly blood test. I quickly determined that a chocolate bar administered orally during the blood test would result in a better outcome. It worked like a charm.
But then some parents take it a step further. They reward all kinds of behaviors with small ticket items and then big prizes for grades and other achievements. A review of 40 years of research on this subject, by Daniel Pink in his book, “Drive,” observed that rewards are ineffective in producing long-term results. As soon as the rewards end, so does the targeted behavior. And the child may lose intrinsic interest in the activity. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life — not short-term change.
Furthermore, material rewards tend to lose their luster. Just look in your child’s toy chest or closet. It’s filled with tossed-out games, dolls and toys. Even sparkly electronic devices lose their shine after a while. Children’s attention spans are short.
I prefer the power of undivided attention. Its bright light illuminates your child’s heart and spirit. Undivided attention is the fuel of love and nurture, and it’s in painfully short supply in modern life. Indeed, sometimes kids misbehave because they know they’ll garner their parent’s attention—even if it’s negative. With two working parents, homework, housework, and multiple activities— individual attention is just plain hard to get.
Of course, we want to give our children our complete attention. We dream about vacations where we just spend time hanging out with each other. I remember when the kids were little, and we lost power and spent time playing Monopoly by candlelight — with no television, computer or email to distract our attention from each other. Those moments are precious.
Rather than using rewards to promote desired behavior (goods for grades, allowance for chores, or treats for good behavior), give attention and praise when children move on their own toward the good habits we promote. Children light up when your attention turns towards them and you acknowledge their effort.
Instead of rewarding good grades, become engaged in your children’s schoolwork. I made a conscious effort not to make a big deal over grades (naturally, I was pleased when they did well, but I kept it to myself). I was more interested in rewarding genuine interest in what they were learning, especially critical and creative thinking.
When they were little, I had them read to me. As they got older, I wanted to discuss with them what they read. “So, what did you think about the main character? What kind of person was he? What was the main idea of the book?” I asked. I would read their essays and ask them questions about their ideas. Even when they were young, I brought them to plays, dances and museums. I was more focused on reinforcing intellectual honesty than performance. I always figured that a love of learning would lead to reliable performance.
So yes, there are definitely moments for bribery. But for helping kids develop the important habits needed for a healthy adult life, get personally involved. Parental engagement is where it’s at for the long haul.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. For more information, visit www.everettclinic.com.
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