D o mean girls become mean moms?
Not necessarily, but if enough cattiness remains under their well-dressed and well-coifed exteriors they end up perpetuating the “perfect-parent” myth and leaving everyone else feeling inadequate, said Rosalind Wiseman, the author of “Queen Bees &Wannabes,” which was the basis of the Lindsay Lohan flick “Mean Girls.”
And these women marry “kingpin dads,” who take charge of too many situations and always act as if they’re speaking on behalf of the group – even when they don’t know anyone else’s name.
This forces an almost unbreakable cycle, Wiseman said, because the apples don’t fall far from the tree. If you see children behaving in a way that makes you cringe, look at the role models, she said.
“Kids can be a great mirror. It’s a great exercise to ask yourself why you are making the extravagant purchases that you do, or ‘Why I am I reacting to this person in such a horrible way?’”
In her new book, “Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads,” Wiseman first gathers insights and opinions from parents, teachers, coaches and other important adults in children’s lives and then she advises how to deal with all these folks with your pride and values intact.
She also takes readers through Back-to-School Night, big sporting events and the college application process, examining the different ways to approach these milestones that have become as important to parents as they are to students.
“You judge yourself and other parents according to perfect-parent myths,” said Wiseman, a mother of 3- and 5-year-old boys.
Of course, there is no such thing as perfect parents, which leaves real parents conflicted, especially when all sorts of advice is thrown at them. First, parents are encouraged to be their children’s advocates – fight for that great teacher, make your kid’s case to get more time on the ball field – and then they’re told that they should let kids work their problems out for themselves.
How do parents know which battles they’re supposed to fight? Wiseman said.
“You can’t blame people for being inconsistent parents if they’re receiving inconsistent advice.”
Unfortunately, though, Wiseman said, there is indeed a lot of blame going around, and it comes mostly from the queen bees and kingpins who criticize others as a self-defense tactic when they realize they can’t do it all.
“Everybody thinks the worst of each other … but pretty much everyone I meet is trying their best,” she said.
Some other contradictions Wiseman noticed:
* Mothers who tell their girls to accept their bodies. Those same mothers, though, beat themselves up for not fitting into their “skinny jeans.”
* A furor festers at school meetings when a parent stands up and said, “I think I’m speaking for all the parents here.” Yet, no one stands up to him. That’s counterproductive when parents tell their children to stand up for themselves. Kids don’t respect parents who tell them things they can’t do themselves.
And don’t think children don’t notice all the cutting remarks parents make about each another.
“Kids for the most part talk to me about parents gossiping about each other and the other kids. I can’t think of one kid that didn’t know where her parents fit in the parents’ social hierarchy,” said Wiseman, co-founder of the Empower Program, a nonprofit educational organization in Washington, D.C., that addresses bullying and other forms of peer aggression.
“Kids describe their parents as acting like they were in the eighth grade. ‘They’re so cliquey.’”
She said that children – and it’s boys as much as girls – recognize that their mothers sometimes take on volunteer work to bolster their images.
“American kids are more cynical than any other groups of kids I’ve worked with,” said Wiseman.
“People act according to their values when it’s easy and everyone is getting along, but act totally against our values when we perceive someone is doing us wrong.”
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