In the spring and early summer, many college students return home after living in a dorm with several hundred 18- to 21-year-olds. They’re used to making their own decisions, going to bed, eating when they want, and coming and going as they please — total freedom.
And then they arrive back to their childhood home. Let the wild ride begin.
I remember those days well. My daughters were always happy to come home — at least for the first few weeks. But then, our shine would wear off, and pretty soon, we returned to the same old conflicts we saw in high school. I could find one daughter by following a wake of shoes, coke cans and magazines that trailed behind her. Mornings, I would come downstairs and see a kitchen sink filled with baking tins, dishes, cups and bowls crusted over with flour — sigh, late night baking.
But what do college students think about being home? I asked a college student who had returned home after her freshman year to inquire about her friends’ perspectives on coming back home.
What is it like being home for the summer?
“Interesting juxtaposition of novelty of being home and falling back to old habits.”
“Family life just kind of resumes. They expect you to go back to adhering to the rules.”
“Boring; other than work, there is nothing to do other than read and spend endless hours on the internet.”
“Awesome; easier to do laundry. My mom just does it! Now have a car. Sister has to adjust. Now we have to share a bathroom again.”
“Like it; freedom to go places, but not “on my own.”
What are the challenges of being home?
“Making money, getting a job.”
“Staying in contact with friends. Focus on being with parents.”
“Have to chauffer sister around; high school friends spread out.”
“My parents are treating me like I’m still a high school senior.”
“It was nice at first. But now I am itching to get back to school because of parental rules.”
“I have to obey my parent’s rules.”
So, how can parents make this an easier transition?
There’s no going back. The first couple of years of college are transformational for most young people. Your college student comes home and has a set of new experiences that have changed their view of themselves and the world. They’ve tasted the joy of independence and some of the privileges of adulthood.
Establish clear expectations and revisit them regularly. I always expected my kids to work during summers, but some years they had different ideas. I wanted them to clean up after themselves (good luck!) and they wanted to come and go as they pleased. I needed to know when they would come home at night. All these issues need to be addressed and then revisited regularly during the summer. The tendency is for both parents and kids to fall back into old patterns of behavior — both good and bad ones.
Cut them some slack. Establish a few clear expectations that you hold onto firmly, but don’t go overboard. Recognize that they’re transitioning and that being at home can also be challenging for them. Going from total freedom to following your parent’s rules is hard.
Breathe easy. They’ll be back in school soon. Before you know it, college students will be back in their late adolescent pressure cooker, and their younger brother and sister will get their bathroom back. Life will return to the new “normal” for everyone.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.
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