Controlling sister doesn’t appreciate brother’s care for Mom

  • By Wire Service
  • Tuesday, October 22, 2019 1:30am
  • Life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

My siblings are arguing over my elderly mother’s finances. My brother (60-plus) lives with Mom (80-plus) but does not pay rent. He pays for some groceries and makes her meals. When she is unable to move on her own due to surgery, he has stepped up and assisted her.

My sister controls Mom’s finances and meds, and gives Mom a weekly allowance. She insists that my brother pay rent, but he does not work, just gets Social Security. She tried to get Mom into an assisted living facility, but Mom did not want to go.

I think it is OK for him to live rent-free because otherwise we would need someone to ensure Mom gets meals and check on her multiple times per day. My sis is trying to update the condo and make sure my brother moves out as soon as Mom passes.

My sis is very controlling — she just went into Mom’s bathroom and threw out a bunch of makeup and lotions without asking.

I live out of state, but visit one to three times per year. How do other families manage aging parents?

— Arguing

omg.

Your brother deserves a medal, not this dismissive abuse from your sister.

Does she have any idea how draining it is to be a caregiver? And how hard it is to find a good one, and how expensive it is to pay one, and how nerve-racking it is at first to trust one? Presumably you would have said something if your brother were doing a bad job of caring for your mom. So, assuming his love and competence, you and your sister are getting care for your mother and copious amounts of peace of mind for next to nothing financially. Like, the change you find in the couch cushions. Has any of you looked at the price of elder care lately?

Any new financial arrangements should be in your brother’s favor, and the schedule for his post-Mom moveout a generous and compassionate one. Again, this assumes your mom is well cared for. These situations can be complicated and messy, to put it mildly.

The way “other families” manage is of little relevance, because some other families absolutely and permanently shatter over this stuff as some members dump all the work on everyone else and others grab all the valuables. The stories would singe your eyebrows — and your sister’s behavior might not rank among the worst, but she seems to be using all her runway to get there. Wheeling Mom out of the way to polish up the condo for her estate sale reveals an ambition to reach for the worst.

The families who grow closer through their parents’ care do so by communicating freely, shouldering burdens ungrudgingly, finding other ways to chip in when they can’t be present, and by expressing gratitude for those doing the toughest work.

They also take the time to give themselves a freaking clue how this all works, and therefore would recognize your brother’s caregiving as a win-win-win scenario. So please tell your brother how grateful you are, then show your sister some prices for assisted living and in-home care to prove what a blessing he is.

Consider getting a geriatric social worker involved: eldercare.acl.gov.

— Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Sarah Jean Muncey-Gordon puts on some BITCHSTIX lip oil at Bandbox Beauty Supply on Tuesday, Jan. 9, 2024, in Langley, Washington. (Ryan Berry / The Herald)
Bandbox Beauty was made for Whidbey Island locals, by an island local

Founder Sarah Muncey-Gordon said Langley is in a renaissance, and she’s proud to be a part of it.

A stroll on Rome's ancient Appian Way is a kind of time travel. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves on the Appian Way, Rome’s ancient superhighway

Twenty-nine highways fanned out from Rome, but this one was the first and remains the most legendary.

Byrds co-founder Roger McGuinn, seen here in 2013, will perform April 20 in Edmonds. (Associated Press)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

R0ck ‘n’ Roll Hall of Famer Roger McGuinn, frontman of The Byrds, plans a gig in Edmonds in April.

Mother giving in to the manipulation her daughter fake crying for candy
Can children be bribed into good behavior?

Only in the short term. What we want to do is promote good habits over the course of the child’s life.

Speech Bubble Puzzle and Discussion
When conflict flares, keep calm and stand your ground

Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it.

The colorful Nyhavn neighborhood is the place to moor on a sunny day in Copenhagen. (Cameron Hewitt)
Rick Steves: Embrace hygge and save cash in Copenhagen

Where else would Hans Christian Andersen, a mermaid statue and lovingly decorated open-face sandwiches be the icons of a major capital?

Last Call is a festured artist at the 2024 DeMiero Jazz Festival: in Edmonds. (Photo provided by DeMiero Jazz Festival)
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Jazz ensemble Last Call is one of the featured artists at the DeMiero Jazz Festival on March 7-9 in Edmonds.

Kim Helleren
Local children’s author to read at Edmonds Bookshop

Kim Helleren will read from one of her books for kids at the next monthly Story Time at Edmonds Bookshop on March 29.

Chris Elliott
Lyft surprises traveler with a $150 cleaning charge

Jared Hakimi finds a $150 charge on his credit card after a Lyft ride. Is that allowed? And will the charge stick?

Inside Elle Marie Hair Studio in Smokey Point. (Provided by Acacia Delzer)
The best hair salon in Snohomish County

You voted, we tallied. Here are the results.

The 2024 Kia EV9 electric SUV has room for up to six or seven passengers, depending on seat configuration. (Photo provided by Kia)
Kia’s all-new EV9 electric SUV occupies rarified air

Roomy three-row electric SUVs priced below 60 grand are scarce.

2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD (Photo provided by Toyota)
2023 Toyota RAV4 Prime XSE Premium AWD

The compact SUV electric vehicle offers customers the ultimate flexibility for getting around town in zero emission EV mode or road-tripping in hybrid mode with a range of 440 miles and 42 mile per gallon fuel economy.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.