Question: Your daughter wants to invite her somewhat troubled pal to Thanksgiving. You’re a little nervous about the relatives’ reaction. How to navigate?
Answer: Before you devote a lot of mental energy to unpredictable relatives, take a moment to appreciate your daughter’s gesture.
“It’s such an act of kindness and empathy and decency, which is exactly the kind of behavior you want to inculcate in your child,” said clinical psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler, author of “I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You! A New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict.” “You certainly want to acknowledge to your daughter how impressed you are with that kind of behavior.”
Now, the relatives.
“You have to know your customers,” Cohen-Sandler said. Meaning, you should assess your relatives’ Archie Bunker-like tendencies (or lack thereof) before deciding how much prepping to do.
“If there are relatives who don’t react well to surprises or differences, give them a heads up and time to adjust so they don’t react inappropriately,” she said. “It might not be a bad thing to approach them privately, quietly, and say, ‘I’d really like you to try to make so-and-so feel welcome. She’s a good kid.’ Generating some empathy is good.”
If you resent having to explain your own guests in your own house, remember that you’re trying to create a comfortable setting for all involved, especially your daughter’s troubled friend. “Holidays are a time when people look forward to continuity and rituals,” Cohen-Sandler said. “If you’re going to depart from that, it’s best to give people a heads-up.”
You might also think ahead about a few tasks to assign your new addition. “You’ll help the girl feel more comfortable by giving her a job and valuing her contribution, so she’s not just sitting there like the new guest.”
And don’t forget to have — and be — fun. Your daughter thinks highly enough of her family to introduce her pal to you. And the pal, if she’s free on Thanksgiving, is likely due for a warm, happy holiday.
Let the two of them be your top priority.
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