My friend, Joe, shared with me that he was experiencing some irritability. “Sometimes I wake up and I’m in a grumpy mood. Everyone is moving too slowly, talking too slowly and saying dumb things. I just feel inpatient with everyone, especially my wife. And before I know it, I’m making critical and judgmental comments to her. I know I shouldn’t. But I do it anyway. And later, I feel bad about myself. I know she doesn’t deserve it.”
Do you know a Joe? Or are you one?
Many of us have met someone like Joe. They just seem to be inpatient all the time. And they’re quick to criticize others. What causes this kind of irritability? And how can Joe learn to be more patient and kinder to others?
Personality traits are hard to unpack. There are multiple factors that contribute to their development. Many adults like Joe grew up in households where a parent was demanding, hard driving and punitive. Expectations were high. Joe’s dad expected straight As and if Joe brought home a B, trust me, he heard about it. He was expected to excel in everything he did, and mostly, he did. He went on to become a successful lawyer working long hours. Being the best was important for his self-esteem.
Joe developed high expectations of himself, which he was often able to meet. But unfortunately, he expected the same from everyone else — his wife, his kids, his co-workers and his friends. And if they didn’t live up to his high expectations, he was often like his own dad, critical and insensitive. Much of our behavior is learned. We’re apples that don’t fall far from the tree.
So how can adults like Joe become more patient and sensitive to others?
Ask yourself, what’s important to you?
Frequently we absorb the expectations of the people around us, even if they’re not explicit. My parents valued graduate education. I remember my mother telling me that I could be anything I wanted, if it made me happy. I replied, “You mean I could get any Ph.D. I want?” It’s important to step back and ask yourself, what’s really important to me? And why? Many of us don’t ask ourselves this question until we experience a life crisis, like a diagnosis of a life-threatening disease or a major setback. Why wait when we can ask ourselves this question any time we want to?
Often, we realize that our relationships are just as important as — if not more than — our achievements. How we are with others may be more important than who we are.
Don’t expect that others have to be like you.
We’re all different. Don’t impose your expectations of yourself on others. Accept others as they are — don’t compare them to yourself. Value their strengths and virtues.
Keep your negative thoughts to yourself.
When I was a child, my mother liked to say, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” I didn’t understand it at the time, but I do now. It’s not a requirement to share every thought that crosses your mind. Keep the judgmental and critical thoughts to yourself. Your family and friends will appreciate it.
Cultivate patience and kindness.
What’s the rush? Take your time and smell the roses. Slow down and focus on your experience rather than the result. This is the essence of mindfulness — appreciating and savoring each moment fully.
Decide to be kind to everyone, no matter what. Even when you’re frustrated, it’s possible to be kind and sensitive to others.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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