Guest banned after offering helpful hints to hostess

  • By Carolyn Hax The Washington Post
  • Thursday, September 12, 2019 1:30am
  • Life

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn:

“Becky” and I stayed with my brother, “Dan,” and his wife, “Mae.” Becky and I are recently married and this was her first stay at my brother’s place.

Later she texted Mae a thank-you along with some helpful hints about some slight hosting deficiencies — nothing too bad, just that the guest room mattress needs to be replaced, the drain in the bathtub is slow, and that a lot of people can’t eat carb-heavy meals first thing in the morning. Becky would sincerely welcome if someone did this for her and thought she was doing Mae a favor.

Mae is livid and has banned us from visiting. I wish Becky had checked with me before sending the text, but Mae is really overreacting. We were really good guests — we only stayed three days, took everyone out to meals, did all the cleanup after a big meal, and always cleaned up after ourselves, so this was a minor annoyance at best.

I said so to Dan when I was explaining that Becky meant no harm, and now he’s mad at me, too. My mom lives with my brother and has asked me to mend fences so Becky and I are welcome to stay there again. Where do I start fixing this mess?

— Banned

Becky starts fixing it with an abject and sincere apology. Wow.

And then you hope really hard that it’s enough.

Mae is overreacting maybe a little — in her place, I wouldn’t have banned you (out of love for Dan) — but for you to suggest this says you still don’t get it, how awful it was to send that critique. And just to Mae, not Dan, like she’s the mistress of mattresses!

Seriously. Maybe Becky would “sincerely welcome” the same, but that puts her among the thickest-skinned people on Earth. That, or she has never in fact received an itemized list of her hostly deficiencies that her male co-host did not.

I don’t know how else to say this to you. Becky just drove a spike into the hull of your relationship with your family, and you and she both need to admit that out loud to your whole family.

Re: Fallout:

I’m not a “clutch the pearls” kind of gal, but wow. Literally tried to clutch pearls I’m not wearing. Being gracious during the stay doesn’t absolve bad behavior after the fact.

— Clutching Pearls

Re: Fallout:

Maybe Becky comes from a Festivus family, and the Airing of Grievances is her Love Language? “I’ve got a lot of problems with you people!”

— Anonymous

You can stay.

Re: Fallout:

How are Mae and Dan to know their guest room mattress needs help? Surely there’s a way to say this kind of thing?

— Help

Everyone with a guest room needs to give it an occasional test-sleep. That’s how they know.

Re: Fallout:

Since Becky is such a fan of constructive criticism, she should be thankful Mae so helpfully pointed out what a jerk she’s being. It’s for her own good!

— S.

— Washington Post Writers Group

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

What’s Up columnist Andrea Brown with a selection of black and white glossy promotional photos on Wednesday, June 18, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Free celeb photos! Dig into The Herald’s Hollywood time capsule

John Wayne, Travolta, Golden Girls and hundreds more B&W glossies are up for grabs at August pop-up.

Rodney Ho / Atlanta Journal-Constitution / Tribune News Service
The Barenaked Ladies play Chateau Ste. Michelle in Woodinville on Friday.
Coming events in Snohomish County

Send calendar submissions for print and online to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your… Continue reading

Edmonds announces summer concert lineup

The Edmonds Arts Commission is hosting 20 shows from July 8 to Aug. 24, featuring a range of music styles from across the Puget Sound region.

Big Bend Photo Provided By Ford Media
2025 Ford Bronco Sport Big Bend Increases Off-Road Capability

Mountain Loop Highway Was No Match For Bronco

Cascadia College Earth and Environmental Sciences Professor Midori Sakura looks in the surrounding trees for wildlife at the North Creek Wetlands on Wednesday, June 4, 2025 in Bothell, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Cascadia College ecology students teach about the importance of wetlands

To wrap up the term, students took family and friends on a guided tour of the North Creek wetlands.

Mustang Convertible Photo Provided By Ford Media Center
Ford’s 2024 Ford Mustang Convertible Revives The Past

Iconic Sports Car Re-Introduced To Wow Masses

Kim Crane talks about a handful of origami items on display inside her showroom on Monday, Feb. 17, 2025, in Snohomish, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Crease is the word: Origami fans flock to online paper store

Kim’s Crane in Snohomish has been supplying paper crafters with paper, books and kits since 1995.

The 2025 Nissan Murano midsize SUV has two rows of seats and a five-passenger capacity. (Photo provided by Nissan)
2025 Nissan Murano is a whole new machine

A total redesign introduces the fourth generation of this elegant midsize SUV.

A woman flips through a book at the Good Cheer Thrift Store in Langley. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Pop some tags at Good Cheer Thrift Store in Langley

$20 buys an outfit, a unicycle — or a little Macklemore magic. Sales support the food bank.

The Mukilteo Boulevard Homer on Monday, May 12, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
‘Homer Hedge’: A Simpsons meme takes root in Everett — D’oh!

Homer has been lurking in the bushes on West Mukilteo Boulevard since 2023. Stop by for a selfie.

Sarah and Cole Rinehardt, owners of In The Shadow Brewing, on Wednesday, March 12, 2025 in Arlington, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
In The Shadow Brewing: From backyard brews to downtown cheers

Everything seems to have fallen into place at the new taproom location in downtown Arlington

Bar manager Faith Britton pours a beer for a customer at the Madison Avenue Pub in Everett. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Burgers, brews and blues: Madison Avenue Pub has it all

Enjoy half-price burgers on Tuesday, prime rib specials and live music at the Everett mainstay.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.