Kids are always excited about the start of school after a long summer vacation. There’s excitement and there’s worry.
Kids wonder—“How will I do? Will this year be better than (or as good as) last year? Will I make new friends? Will my old friends still like me? Will I make the team?” There’s a lengthy list of concerns for kids of all ages. As a parent, I was always concerned with whether the stress of driving my kids to all their activities would bury me!
The first few weeks are busy and hectic. It’s a transition time for everyone. The pace of daily life quickens. The late nights of summer are transitioning to more reasonable school-year bedtimes. For teens and tweens, getting up early is a struggle. They long for those lazy days of summer when they slept in.
With all of these changes afoot, it can be difficult to consider: What’s important for my child this school year? What are the “main” points that I want to keep central to their lives? This kind of reflection helps parents keep their eyes on the prize—the big picture that’s easy to lose in the mad rush of everyday life. It helps moms and dads be mindful parents.
What’s really important to you about your children’s education? For me, I was never that concerned about their grades. To a large degree, grades motivate students to study harder (a carrot) and discourage kids from not doing their homework (the stick). While this does work for some youngsters, it doesn’t work for everyone. Grades reward conformity to what the teacher is looking for. I was far more interested in what my children were learning in school. I wanted them to be creative and critical thinkers. I wanted them to learn how to “think,” not just to regurgitate facts.
Do good grades predict success outside of the classroom? As most adults know, potential employers are not terribly interested in the grades potential applicants receive in high school. Even going to a well-reputed college may not be enough. How well can you work with others? Can you think outside of the box? How motivated are you to succeed? Are you able to work hard? These attributes are more important than getting an A on a spelling test.
I went to graduate school in the 1970s, and then, my institution had only pass-fail grades. It was an experiment and a good one. There was little competition between students, no “grade inflation,” and no studying for the test. It was all about learning and growing. Everyone worked hard to learn because we were highly motivated to become successful psychologists.
So, what can you emphasize if you decide not to focus on grades?
Express interest in what your child is learning. When my kids were little, I had them read to me aloud. I asked them what the story was about, which characters they liked and why. When they were older and reading on their own, I read their books, too. We discussed them together at the dinner table. When they had essays or reports to write, I asked them to share their point of view. I was an active participant in their education.
Encourage out-of-classroom activities. Sports, the arts, dance, swimming, community involvement, or religious activities provide rich learning experiences for children. Think about what experiences your kids will benefit from.
Culture is important. Expose children to art, science, music, theatre and literature.
Don’t make a big deal over grades. My kids were “A” students despite my lack of enthusiasm for their grades. I made a point not to give “atta girls” out for their grades. Instead, I rewarded intellectual curiosity, honesty and creativity.
As adults, they both have a passion for learning.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.
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