How can overachievers free themselves of pressure to surpass expectations?

Ask yourself what is important to you. Then work to find balance, identify hobbies and determine what is good enough.

Mary is a highly functioning, highly competent school principal who’s always running at 500 miles per hour. She also has three young children. Balancing the demands of running a school, getting her kids to their afterschool activities and trying to get a healthy meal on the table is a constant juggling act. Lately, though, it seems like she’s feeling more tired, emotional and ragged by the end of each day.

Mary’s challenge: She feels that she has to live up to everyone’s expectations. She has to be the best at everything. She has to say yes to every request. When she can’t, she feels disappointed in herself.

She wants to please her boss, her teachers, staff, the parents of her students, her kids and her husband. She feels that she “should” be able to do everything. She grew up in a family with “can-do” parents who seemed to be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. They were the original “buck up and get the job done” folks. Mary feels terrible about herself. Why can’t she manage to do more? Why can’t she keep all the balls in the air?

ADVERTISEMENT
0 seconds of 0 secondsVolume 0%
Press shift question mark to access a list of keyboard shortcuts
00:00
00:00
00:00
 

It’s a common problem among overachievers, a label I never completely understood until recently. I wondered: “How could high achievement be bad?” Of course, getting excellent grades in life is fine. Who doesn’t feel good about getting an A or a high five for a great job? But what’s the price? Some adults and kids always have to do more to feel worthwhile, capable and appreciated. Nothing is ever good enough.

Typically, these individuals grew up in families where high achievement was the norm. Good grades were celebrated and high performance was rewarded. Anything less than top marks was ignored. These children pair love with achievement, which can produce adults who feel like performing seals. It can be a recipe for low self-esteem, depression and shame.

For many, overdoing is a strategy for success — putting in more time than necessary. But as life becomes more complex, that strategy doesn’t work as well and often becomes a source of pain and suffering.

So what can overachievers do?

Ask yourself what is important to you. Most overachievers do, do and do without awareness. They are unaware that they’re seeking love and appreciation. Consider what you value. What is important to you? What gives you meaning and joy outside of achievement?

Balance: Finding the balance between achievement and self-care is a ticket to greater ease in our busy lives. As we age, it becomes harder to do everything at 150%. We run out of gas and time. No matter who you are, there are only 24 hours in a day. And guess what? As you age, you have less energy. It’s better to prioritize self-care as an important ingredient for everyday life.

Hobbies: Overachievers rarely have time for hobbies. It’s important to have interests that aren’t competitive, bring you joy and are fun. Take up a musical instrument, dance classes, woodworking or gardening. Take a yoga or tai chi class.

Determine what’s good enough. As kids, we were told always to do the best we could. But how is that measured? Many tasks in life can be adequately accomplished by doing a good enough job. But it’s often hard to determine what’s good enough. Save extra effort for those tasks that are important but not for everything that you do. Save some energy and time for yourself.

Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.

Talk to us

> Give us your news tips.

> Send us a letter to the editor.

> More Herald contact information.

More in Life

Former Herald writer Melissa Slager’s new book was 14-year project

The 520-page historical novel “Contests of Strength” covers the 1700 earthquake and tsunami on Makah lands.

Steven M. Falk / The Philadelphia Inquirer / Tribune News Service
James Taylor plays Sunday and Monday at Chateau Ste. Michelle in Woodinville.
A&E Calendar for May 22

Send calendar submissions for print and online to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your… Continue reading

Kyle Parker paddles his canoe along the Snohomish River next to Langus Riverfront Park on Thursday, May 8, 2025 in Everett, Washington. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Tip to Tip: Kyle Parker begins his canoe journey across the country

The 24-year-old canoe fanatic started in Neah Bay and is making his way up the Skykomish River.

The 2025 Mercedes-Benz GLC 350e plug-in hybrid compact luxury SUV, shown here in the European version (Provided by Mercedes-Benz).
2025 Mercedes-Benz GLC 350e PHEV has a 54-mile range

The plug-in hybrid compact luxury SUV goes a class-leading distance in full electric mode.

RAV4 Hybrid XSE AWD photo provided by Toyota USA Newsroom
2025 Toyota RAV4 Hybrid Provides 39 MPG And 566-Mile Range

Versatile And Functional Compact SUV A Family Pleaser

Auston James / Village Theatre
“Jersey Boys” plays at Village Theatre in Everett through May 25.
A&E Calendar for May 15

Send calendar submissions for print and online to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your… Continue reading

Photo provided by Subaru U.S. Media Center
Subaru Adds Bronze And Onyx Trims to 2025 Ascent

Three-Row Family SUV Delivers Equal Parts Safety And Comfort

Photo courtesy of Historic Everett Theatre
The Elvis Challenge takes place Saturday at the Historic Everett Theatre.
A&E Calendar for May 8

Send calendar submissions to features@heraldnet.com. To ensure your item is seen by… Continue reading

The 2025 Hyundai Santa Fe Hybrid SUV (Provided by Hyundai).
2025 Hyundai Santa Fe Hybrid evokes outdoor adventure

Boxy styling leaves lots of room for gear. A refined ride ensures comfort around town.

The 2025 Toyota Sienna minivan in the top-level Platinum grade (Provided by Toyota).
2025 Toyota Sienna maintains reputation for fuel efficiency

Every model in the minivan’s lineup has a hybrid powertrain.

An autumn-themed display at Wagner Jewelers in Marysville. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
Shine bright with Snohomish County’s top jewelry finds

Three dazzling shops where elegance, craft, and sparkle come together.

The 2025 Lexus TX 350 is a three-row luxury SUV. It’s offered in Base, Premium, Luxury, and F Sport Handling grades (Provided by Lexus).
2025 Lexus TX 350 welcomes new F Sport Handling model

Unique exterior highlights, a glass roof and sport-tuned suspension are among the attractions.

Support local journalism

If you value local news, make a gift now to support the trusted journalism you get in The Daily Herald. Donations processed in this system are not tax deductible.