On Friday nights, the Jones family likes to order in. Following a new family tradition, Mom and Dad let their two daughters decide which restaurant they’ll order from. Watch their Friday night at the fights!
Many nights of the week, Mom asks the kids what they want for dinner and sometimes she ends up making two or three different meals! Mary won’t eat meat and Victor won’t eat vegetables. It can drive Mom crazy.
Clothes-shopping for Sarah is a nightmare. She tries on 15 blouses before she decides she doesn’t like any of them. Shoe shopping is even worse.
No doubt about it, family life in the 21st century is very different than it was in the 1970s. As a child growing up in the ’50s, my favorite TV show was “Father Knows Best.” In that era, parents knew best and children were never consulted about family decisions. How many of you remember your parents asking you where you wanted to go for dinner? My parents had modest means — I was just delighted to go out to any restaurant.
When we went clothes-shopping, my budget-conscious Mom, with three growing boys, picked out the clothing for each of us. We didn’t complain. We were just happy to get something new, instead of the usual hand-me-downs.
Many of today’s parents were raised with the ethos that children should be seen but not heard. As a result, they decided, in their infinite parental wisdom, to give their children a voice. Remember the TV show “The Fresh Prince of Belair”? In that world, kids are kings. Children are empowered to speak their minds — and they do!
What are the implications of these shifts in parenting philosophy? Today’s parents have given their children more power and control than any other generation in history. On the positive side, these kids will have less trouble making decisions as adults and asserting their needs.
But on the negative side, parents may have given up too much power and authority. Children need to know that their parents are in charge and are the ultimate decision-makers. Youngsters feel anxious and afraid when they have too much control. They need parents to be firm and consistent.
Below are some basic principles that can help guide parents:
• Limit the number of choices you give your children. Young children become overwhelmed by too many choices. Provide them with two options and let them choose. For older kids, keep the list short. Children do benefit from exercising their will, but within limits.
• Be clear about who is in charge. You are “allowing” your children to have a choice. The authority for decision making comes from you — not the other way around.
• Be clear about what is negotiable and what isn’t. Let Joey decide what to wear tomorrow, but he can’t choose when he can stay home from school.
• Be consistent and predictable. This is very important. Children benefit from consistent and predictable consequences. In fact, they thrive in those environments.
“No” should always mean “No” and “Yes” should always mean “Yes.” Kids will test your limits and your will. They’ll use whatever means works to get you to change your mind. Hang tough. In the long run, they will appreciate that you mean what you say.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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