Some years ago, I had major foot surgery. It was a very interesting experience — three hours in the operating room, three days in the hospital, 10 weeks 100% non-weight bearing, and the surgeon told me, one year of recovery. I had never had any kind of surgery before, so needless to say, I was pretty anxious about the whole thing.
But somehow, I expected that I would recover much sooner. After all, I was highly motivated to do absolutely everything my doctor told me to do. And, I knew that I would work very hard in physical therapy — which I did. So after eight months, I was very disappointed. Why wasn’t I all better?
When I went back to my surgeon, he looked me in the eye, didn’t blink, and stated, “I told you it was going to be a year-long process. That’s what I meant — not eight months or 10 months” Indeed, it did take a year before I felt that I could walk normally.
Our expectations color a great deal of life’s experience. Expect to pay $25,000 for a car, and discovering the price is $23K, makes you feel like you got a deal! But if you expected to pay $21K and the price is $23K, you’re upset. The price is still $23,000 in both cases —but how you feel is different.
There are so many dimensions of life where our expectations, and whether they’re met, impact our experience. Suppose you expect your kids to get an A in school and they get a B. You will probably feel disappointed. And imagine if you think a C is a fine grade? Then a B looks great. The list extends into every facet of our lives.
So, common sense might suggest you lower your expectations if you don’t want to be disappointed in yourself or others. But having low expectations for yourself is a recipe for feeling good about yourself at any particular moment, but not for getting anywhere. In other words, if you shoot too low, you may not get very far. Shoot too high, and you’ll feel bad about yourself if you don’t meet your goals.
Expectations of life fit into three broad categories: expectations of oneself, expectations of others and expectations of life’s experiences. So how do we develop realistic expectations?
■ Let go of expectations about how you will experience life. Everyone hopes that the weather will be sunny and warm on their yearly vacation. They anticipate having a great time. But suppose it rains every day! Now you’re both getting wet and you’re disappointed too. Of course, we hope that every day will be sunny, but don’t let your desires impact your experience. Accept things as they are and make the best of them.
■ Establish realistic expectations of others. Wow, I wish I had an easy recipe for how to do this. More often, life experience helps us set the bar at the “right” place. Realize that we’re all human, and there are many reasons why we, and others, can’t reach as high as we would like. Try to accept your loved ones for who they are — celebrating their strengths and accepting their limitations.
■ Reach high for yourself — but be realistic. Don’t settle for too little, and use your strong intention to arrive at your chosen destination. After my foot surgery, I wanted to be able to return to my practice of aikido (a martial art). I never asked my doctor if it was a good idea. I knew that I would be able to do it despite whatever barriers I would meet. It was very hard, at times painful, and there were setbacks. But after a year and a half of recovery, I was back on the mat … just where I wanted to be.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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