One of the benefits of aging is a shift in perspective. When we’re in the middle of our lives, we’re busy with our families, our careers, and making big and little decisions every day. We naturally fret over all of those choice points — we want everything to work out for ourselves and our families. My wife and I worried about where we should live, where we should work, and how we should raise our children. We looked at day to day life through a microscope — small things looked large.
Now at the tender age of 71, I look back at those years with a telescope. I can only see what was actually big. The small moments of everyday life fade away. What seemed like a crisis in the moment was actually a small bump in a long road. I was able to manage most of the challenges that kept me awake at night — not always elegantly, but somehow, I muddled through most of them. That perspective helps me when problems crop up today.
So, what have I learned in my life as a psychologist, father, husband, and son?
It’s all about love. My mother, on her 92nd birthday, was at the very end of her life. We held a small birthday party at her apartment with a few of her friends. She was in hospice and passed away a few days later. At the end of her party, she looked around the room and said — “Life is all about love. I love all of you.”
So many adults wonder: What is the purpose of my life? What gives me meaning? The love we have for our family, friends and partners defines us and gives our lives purpose. It’s not that our work isn’t important. But it does have a beginning, middle and end, when we ultimately retire.
In the last year of her life, my mom lived in an independent living center. She had meals with five to six elder women, many of whom had big careers. These women never mentioned their past work. They talked about their children, their loving friends, and their family. They basked in the love they received from others. They were tender and patient with each other.
Life is not just about having loving thoughts towards others. It’s about performing deeds of loving kindness that express those loving feelings in action.
It’s also about learning. Learning and growing as a human being gives purpose and meaning to our lives, too. To be a student of our own lives helps us become the person we hope to be. This requires reflection and contemplation, building self-awareness, sensitivity to others, and learning new life skills. It means asking ourselves hard questions — how can I be a better husband, son, father or daughter?
It also means pushing against our comfort zone. New experiences that challenge us create new opportunities for growth. It’s easy to stay inside of our comfort zone, but not always desirable.
It’s about giving,m too. When we consider the needs of others, our loved ones and society and seek to help others, we feel connected to the human community of which each one of us a part. Volunteer work, helping friends and neighbors in need, and showing up for others gives us a sense of meaning, fulfillment and satisfaction.
Love, learning and giving brings us a sense of gratitude. When our lives are full of love, learning and giving, we naturally feel a deep sense of appreciation for being alive.
And, it brings us joy.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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