Parenting decisions affect adults and children

Headline writers can hit the nail, well, right on the head, and they often do for these Parent Talk columns.

Two weeks ago was an example: “Big parenting decisions make small ones easier.” Exactly. People who just glanced through the paper and read only the headlines would get the main point of the whole column from that one: Take the time and make a conscious effort to form good, big decisions.

The column described a decision made by one set of parents to be sure their children’s growing up years were different from their own. They wanted the differences to be important. Many of their later decisions flowed out of that one.

That letter and the headline started me thinking of other important decisions, ones that I have made as a parent or that I have heard or read about other parents making.

One of my decisions was to try to do my part in raising our children, so that when they were 18 to 24, we would be comfortable being ourselves in each other’s presence.

The decision was based on my belief that our human hearts’ greatest desire is to be accepted for who we truly are by people we truly love. One goal was to help our children strike out on their own by going toward things they cared for rather than away from their family.

I believe it was a good and big decision, it wasn’t always easy and it wasn’t always about the children’s growth.

It has meant I’ve had to learn a lot about my self. Sometimes what I have learned has forced me deep into zones of discomfort. Sometimes the zone has been deepest when I have lived with the discomfort in myself that comes from seeing discomfort in our children.

I’ve been changed by what I learned from being with our children.

I learned that one of the most powerful socializing forces for men is to be with their children in the presence of the children’s loving and strong mother. I could not be more thankful for the lessons I’ve learned from that decision.

Benjamin Bloom’s book, “Developing Talent in Young People,” describes some powerful parental decisions. Bloom studied the background of young people who had developed some world-class talent. They were musicians, athletes, artists and scholars who had performed at extremely high levels before age 30.

Almost without fail these parents had spent their own adulthoods developing their own talents as well as encouraging their children to develop theirs. They not only believed in working hard to develop their own skills, even in their recreational time, they actually worked hard.

They modeled their abiding belief that doing something well is worth the effort it takes.

Many times, perhaps most times, it was not their parents’ love of swimming or piano that children picked up. Children picked up their parents’ values about working hard to become good at something.

Interestingly, these parents were often surprised at which of their children developed their skills to a world-class level. They would usually have predicted a different child might have done so.

Despite their surprise, these parents usually went above and beyond the call to do normal things – just what you would expect from these parents – to support their children’s above normal development. I think the parental decision that stands out is the decision to follow their children’s strong interests.

There are many big and important decisions that parents make. Parents decide whether to ever use corporal punishment, spanking. The decision can keep parents stuck in old reactions or transform them into more creative thinkers.

Parents can decide whether to encourage their children to become skilled decision-makers and independent thinkers. That decision can lead parents away from lists of rules and toward a few well thought out expectations.

Big parental decisions become commitments that change both parents and their children. They are worth doing thoughtfully.

Bill France, a father of three, is a child advocate in the criminal justice system and has worked as director of clinical programs at Luther Child Center in Everett. He is on the Snohomish County Child Death Review Committee and the Advisory Board for the Tulalip Children’s Advocacy Center. You can send e-mail to bill@billfrance.com.