One of our grade-school children, riding in the back seat, commented, “I would stay away from him.”
The man walked with his arms away from his body and fists clenched, taking long strides and leaning forward. When we passed him, his face bore a stormy expression.
We talked about what warning flags caught his attention, even from the back.
On another occasion, a boy spending the weekend with a neighbor family was playing video games with one of our sons, Jake. They were both 8 years old.
The other boy’s caretaker came to the door and said, “It’s time for Cody to come now.” Then he added, “We are going to the baseball game; can Jake come?”
Instantly, Jake’s mother said, “No.”
Later, she could explain only that she said no because something about his question made her uncomfortable.
She described the incident three times, exactly the same. Probably, faster than she could think it through, she had responded to the form of the man’s question.
Most adults would ask, “Would he like to come?” rather than “Can he come?” and the difference had caught her attention and stuck.
Within a few months, that man pled guilty to several counts of child molestation with several boys about the same age, Cody among them.
Most people have had experiences when someone’s posture, tone of voice, erratic driving, gestures or expression warns them to watch out; they may have to think about it several times before pinning down what caught their attention.
Those are signs that their intuition is working. Gavin de Becker, an expert on the prediction and management of violence, says the protective part of intuition is fear, and in his book “Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane),” the gift is fear. It warns of danger before a person’s conscious mind picks it up.
Parents’ healthy intuition expands beyond protecting just themselves to include protecting their children. They can also help their children develop and refine their own intuition.
Children don’t develop good intuition or a helpful sense of fear if they learn that the world is a scary or dangerous place. DeBecker compares fear to an antibiotic. It is good for certain purposes and in short doses. Like an antibiotic, if a person has too much of it or has it for too long, it looses its impact and can become toxic.
For example, an abused child can have distorted sense of fear and be too afraid of too many things or just the opposite, not reasonably cautious. Children who have had violence in their lives become more vulnerable to media violence.
A Utah child lost in the hills this summer had learned to be so afraid of strangers that he hid from rescuers and was in even more danger. Adults with violently traumatic events in their lives are more susceptible to post traumatic stress disorder with later trauma.
Children are better off if their parents help them learn that the world is a good and interesting place, but with some dangerous things. They can be taught to use their intuition to recognize many of those dangerous things, and to avoid them. They can also learn to safely test and improve their intuition.
These parent-child activities can help children build and refine their protective intuition. These are three examples of millions of things that parents can do to reinforce their children’s healthy intuition.
Encourage children to talk with strangers when parents are in the immediate area, then talk with them about the strangers. What kind of feelings did they have when they talked to the strangers and, and what caused that feeling? Pay attention to their feelings.
Avoid telling children to hug relatives, such as “hug Grandma goodbye.” Children are often affectionate and will hug relatives when they want to. However, parents can say to children, “I noticed that you don’t seem to want to hug your grandpa when you get there.” Pay attention to what they say about their thoughts and feelings.
Share feelings about people. For example, “I used to be uncomfortable when Fred came over because he always wanted to stand so close, but I have gotten more comfortable with him in the last year.” Children will hear and take in brief statements about their parents’ feelings. They may ask questions.
Helping children develop their intuition calls on parents to help them respect their ability to observe what is going on, both outside of themselves and inside.
Bill France, a father of three, is a child advocate in the criminal justice system and has worked as director of clinical programs at Luther Child Center in Everett. You can send e-mail to bill@billfrance.com.
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