We are a social species. Humans have strong social ties, both with family members and beyond. All throughout our lives, we initiate and maintain connections with others. We call these associations friendship, and they’re important to us in many ways.
Several years ago, before the pandemic, I was in Cape Cod attending a conference and had the opportunity to get together with two old friends from college. We realized that we had known each other for over 50 years! We all look older, but to us, we’re the same people we always were.
The three of us have maintained our friendship through the years, although we live several thousand miles away from each other. A year or two may go by when we don’t get together. But then, when we do, it seems like we just saw each other yesterday. This fall, the three of us are traveling to Wisconsin to attend our 50th college reunion.
Old friends know us in a way that nobody else does. They know what’s changed in us and what’s stayed the same. They remind us of who we really are. They are part of our history. These ties are timeless, while our bodies are definitely not.
Even though all of us know the importance of family, it’s also important to nurture friendships throughout life. We start forming friendships as young children, find playmates, buddies, and hopefully, individuals that are soul mates.
Young children find friends with their parent’s assistance by arranging play dates with school chums. It’s great when kids have same-age buddies in the neighborhood. They can play for hours together. In later grades, youngsters have to take the initiative to invite school friends over. Sports teams and activities can be a source of friendships for children.
Middle school can shake up a kid’s friendship circle. It can be a rough time as children may go through several friendship groups within one year. It can also be a lonely time too. Elementary school camaraderie is often based on proximity. In middle school, it’s necessary to have more in common.
During adolescence, teens can develop enduring relationships as they go through a wide range of friendship circles. Often, teens hang out in groups based on superficial interests — style of clothing, music interests or sports interests. But it’s also possible to develop deep connections. Adolescence is a developmentally rich period, and healthy friendships can help youngsters make a smoother transition to adulthood.
Connections made in college can also last a lifetime. My mother had several friends that she met in college. They were fast friends 70 years later! Young adulthood is also a time that adults develop strong ties with others.
During these times, adults can go through a process of shedding friendships — choosing to let go of some people that they have outgrown and strengthening ties with friends that share a common ground. This can be a painful process. Friends made in young adulthood are a reference point for change.
Adults often connect with new people through their children’s parents. Parents with young families form easy connections with other parents with young kids. These ties may come to an end when kids get older or when their friends change. But some of these relationships endure.
It can be harder for adults in mid-life to form new friendships unless they have access to a broad group of adults at work or through community involvement. Lack of proximity to potential friends can be a problem. And developing close involvement during this phase of life can be a challenge. It requires an active approach and taking initiative.
As the world shut down during the pandemic, making new adult friendships was very difficult. Now is a good time to reach out and establish new associations.
It’s great to have both new and old friends.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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