Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
What makes a person unyielding? I’m trying to find compassion for my wife’s stubbornness, so I can save our marriage. For example: If we go to brunch with a couple and I say something to embarrass her, she’ll never go to brunch with that couple again. No matter how much I apologize, she believes I’ll do it again so removes that activity from things she’ll do with me.
After eight years, the “never again” list is … growing. She refuses couple’s therapy — says I’m the one screwing up — so I’m seeing my own therapist.
How can I see this from her perspective? All I can guess is 18 years of violence from her parents, bullies and Catholic school made her highly adept at avoiding missteps — whereas my own abusive childhood seemed to leave me hesitant and more prone to error.
— Trying
The level of control your wife insists on having in your marriage isn’t stubbornness, it’s emotional abuse — at least as you’ve described it here. Please discuss this possibility with your therapist. No one is immune to deception and control, but your history of childhood abuse suggests you’re especially vulnerable.
As for your general question, yes, someone with your wife’s history can feel vulnerable and out of control, and that person can both gravitate to rigid ideologies and extreme control to find security — thereby “avoiding missteps” to a fault.
Your staying with her despite her punitive behaviors could similarly be a response to abuse, making her your “rigid ideology” of sorts.
Compassion is admirable, since apparently she herself is a victim, but saving yourself and saving your marriage might be mutually exclusive. Take good care, and proceed with wide open eyes.
Re: Trying:
In defense of “never again” … Yeah, sure, you embarrassed her once. That’s on you. But if you do it again, it’s her fault because you already demonstrated what you were capable of. I have so much egg on my face from giving people second chances that I could make a frittata to feed a small village. She is the one who looks stupid and naive for giving someone a second chance. What’s rigid to you is her self-respect and self-preservation.
— Anonymous
Oh dear. No.
When someone embarrasses you: You find out if you heard correctly and/or drew the intended conclusion; whether it was accidental or intentional or accidentally intentional; whether you acted appropriately or reacted out of old sensitivities; whether you are able to get past it. You find out whether this is a one-off or a sign of your companion’s poor character.
If it’s the former, then you work on tempering your reactions, stay close, and write the incident off as human frailty.
If it’s the latter, then you tackle the character question to see whether to maintain the relationship.
There is not one healthy response that involves cutting off people you dined with because they witnessed something embarrassing.
As for “so much egg on my face,” I just feel sad. Whether people think you’re “stupid” is the least of the problem, and irrelevant anyway. What matters is that you learn from experience — or professional counseling — how to spot untrustworthy people. Try “Lifeskills for Adult Children” (Woititz/Garner) if you’d prefer self-help.
— Washington Post Writers Group
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
