It’s a concept that parents may not be familiar with, but experts say it can explain a lot about family conflicts: Is your child’s temperament a good “fit” with yours?
For example, a stubborn child who’s a chip off the old block might have a lot of showdowns with an equally stubborn mom or dad.
But contrasting temperaments don’t necessarily assure good results: A determined child might overwhelm an overly flexible parent.
Parents who take a step back to consider their child’s personality traits may be able to tailor their childrearing style to deal more effectively with problems, said child psychologist Brian Daly, who teaches at Drexel University in Philadelphia.
Much of the research on child temperament is based on the New York Longitudinal Study, in which psychiatrists Alexander Thomas and Stella Chess followed a group of children from birth to adulthood beginning in 1956.
Thomas and Chess, who were married, found that children’s personalities could be put in three basic categories: easy, difficult, and slow to warm up.
They also identified nine other variables that measured behaviors and traits like willfulness, moodiness, activity levels, distractibility, attention span, and regularity in sleep, hunger and other biological functions.
One finding from their research was that a good “fit” between children and parents results when adult expectations, values and demands are in accord with a child’s natural capacities and behaviors.
Their last book, published in 1999, was called “Goodness of Fit.”
The takeaway for parents was that conflicts resulting from a poor fit between parent and child might be ameliorated if childrearing practices could be changed.
The theory has withstood the test of time, with psychologists and other experts who work with children and parents still using some of these concepts today.
Arthur Robin, director of psychology training at the Children’s Hospital of Michigan in Detroit, said one common problem he encounters is a child with ADHD or “a very hyper-impulsive child” who has “a passive, depressed, lethargic mom.
The child is going to get to do anything he or she likes because the mom is not going to have the energy level to set down some structure.”
Another common problem is “a very rigid, willful child and a highly flexible parent,” Robin said. “The parent is going to go with whatever the child wants. The child is going to end up really spoiled or have a strong sense of entitlement.”
Robin says he tries to recast the willfullness as “determination” and encourages parents to channel it into “positive activities.”
Teenagers might be encouraged to fight for a cause, or spend a lot of time on creative pursuits, so it’s not all channeled into conflicts with parents, Daly said.
Music or artistic pursuits may be an especially good outlet for moody children, Robin said.
With teens, Robin said, if they’re “sneaking out in the middle of the night,” you have more important things to focus on than whether their room is clean.
“The stuff that isn’t worth fighting about, let it drop,” Robin said.
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