1. Wake up your parents at the butt-crack of dawn. It’s 4 a.m. and time to get the day started. Santa has come! Oh, and you also wet the bed. And woke up your baby sister. She really needs to be awake for this even though all she cares about is eating wrapping paper. IT’S CHRISTMAS MORNING! WHO’S EXCITED?!!
2. Forget to program the coffee maker the night before. It’s 4 a.m. and what the heck? Your kids are already awake. The only thing that can save you is coffee. But ack! There is no coffee to be had and you’re too bleary-eyed to find the filters.
3. Sleep in until 11 a.m. You’re a teenager who needs your rest. It’s not like you believe in “Santa” or all that commercial crap, anyway. Sure, you know your mom’s cooking dinner for 22 people who will arrive at any moment, but it’s not like anyone will care if you don’t help set the table. Anyone besides your mom that is. Big deal.
4. Refuse to wear your Christmas pajamas. Your mom bought you jammies for the family for a reason. It’s all about the photo! But there’s no way you’re agreeing to be in a picture in matching outfits with everyone, including the family dog.
5. Slice your hand with a pocket knife. You’re the cool guy who’s always ready to open difficult packages even if it means wounding yourself. Bleeding is the perfect way to make a splash.
6. Not make an effort to visit family members who serve in the military. Sure, you know your family members have moved all around the world to serve their country and now they finally live here in the USA. But you still think they should spend thousands of dollars to fly to you — with their toddler — instead of you showing up for them, staying in a nearby hotel and making their life easier.
7. Ignore your friends and family who don’t have children. Since they haven’t bothered to procreate they don’t count. Why should they care about Christmas? It’s just another day to them.
8. Forget to bring out the trash and recycling cans the week before. The wrapping paper tornado is coming for you and it will be epic. You know what looks great next to the Christmas tree? An immense pile of garbage.
9. Insist that Christmas is “your day” no matter what. Yes, you know your children have spouses, in-laws, stepparents and more. But you get them for Christmas, end of story.
10. Forget to water the Christmas tree. “Timber!” That thing is falling down!
Jennifer Bardsley is the author of “Sweet Bliss,” “Good Catch” and more. Find her online on Instagram @jenniferbardsleyauthor, on Twitter @jennbardsley or on Facebook as Jennifer Bardsley Author. Email her at teachingmybabytoread@gmail.com.
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