When I was 13 years old, walking home from school, two larger boys, with several girls looking on, started pushing me backwards. I didn’t see the low wooden fence behind me. I fell on my rear end onto the grass. Everyone laughed at me. Humiliated, I ran home.
I plotted revenge, which I hoped to exact over the next few days. Fortunately, I never had the opportunity. That afternoon is etched in my memory, even though it happened almost 60 years ago.
How many of us have experienced bullying? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 1 in 5 high schoolers reported being bullied in school and 1 in 6 students reported cyberbullying. I suspect that the rate is much higher since many kids don’t report their experience. Cyberbullying is a cruel way of harassing youngsters using cell phones, social media, and the internet. These humiliations can go viral when they’re shared with scores of other kids. The bully is physically removed from the consequences of their actions — and they are hard to catch.
According to the CDC, there are a number of risk factors that predispose kids to bully others. History of violent victimization, involvement with drugs and alcohol, high emotional distress, domestic violence, low parental involvement, poor family functioning, social rejection by peers, and elevated level of family disruption just to name a few.
All too often, in my experience, adults blame the victim. “He shouldn’t show that he’s upset — that just gives the bully more ammunition,” “He just needs to learn how to “toughen up,” “She shouldn’t cry in front of those girls,” or “She should learn how to ignore their insults.”
Here are some actions a parent can take when your child is the victim of bullying:
Talk to your child. Express your concerns and empathize with child. Reinforce that it is not their fault. Let her know that you are glad she is talking to you about this problem.
Work on developing a plan with your youngster. This can include a variety of actions, some taken by you and some by your child — talking with a teacher, school administrator or guidance counselor; having an older child walk with a younger child home; rehearsing strategies to deal with the situation; or enlisting the support and help from other adults.
Find out what your local school policies are regarding bullying. Understanding the policies and procedures of your school system on these issues can be extremely helpful in working with school personnel.
Work with your local parent teacher organization to promote bully prevention/intervention programs in the school. I do understand that schools struggle to meet a wide range of educational and social needs. But, when local schools make this a priority in their curriculum, there is often a decrease in bullying. It takes a community-wide effort to be effective.
Do not expect a solution on the spot. It’s especially important to be persistent and to reassure your child that you will not give up until a solution is found. But frequently it takes time to enlist the support of school and community leaders. Don’t have unrealistic expectations. Remember that school systems are unable to release information about disciplinary actions against other students.
Don’t encourage your child to harm the person who is bullying them. Your child could be hurt, suspended, or expelled. It’s the wrong message to give.
It takes a “small village” to raise a child. But it also takes a community-wide effort to put an end to harassment at school and in our community.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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