When my oldest daughter was 3 years old, I had my first (pre)school conference. The teacher kindly explained to me that my daughter was “shy,” but otherwise was “no problem”.
I was stunned. My entire parental life flashed in front of my eyes. She must be shy because we moved when she was 6 months old. Perhaps I was too strict, or maybe not strict enough? What had I done to make my daughter shy? I must have done something wrong. I was wracked with self-doubt.
After a few hours and more than a few gray hairs. I recalled that I was also shy. My natural shyness didn’t ruin my life. In fact, it helped me to become more introspective and reflective — qualities that I value. So, I reasoned, my daughter’s shyness was not the death knell for her future. In that moment, I realized that my beautiful, magical daughter wasn’t perfect. And, I wasn’t going to be a perfect parent.
As parents, most of us are brutally critical of ourselves. We blame ourselves for all of our kids’ shortcomings and faults. All of their strengths and resources must come from someplace else.
Often we admire other parents who seem to have “perfect” children. Those kids never seem to misbehave at the supermarket, never interrupt adults, always make their bed, and pick up all of their toys. Their parents combine discipline and forgiveness with complete confidence. Oh, and they never feel self-doubt. Ah, if only we could be like them, instead of the poor imitation of competent parents that we seem to be.
So rages the myth of the perfect parent. But we’re all in the same boat. From the first moment that our little one is born, we’re filled with anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt. We are afraid that we will not live up to our own high expectations. How can we face the challenges of parenthood with a sense of humor and hope?
Accept and honor yourself for who you are. Don’t compare yourself with other parents. Just as your child is unique, so are you. Value all your strengths, abilities and resources. Recognize that just like your kids, you have strengths and weaknesses. Just as you honor your children’s strengths, honor your own.
Be patient with yourself. As you are trying to be patient with your children, learn to be patient with yourself. Expect to make the same mistakes more than once. I’m a slow learner. It takes me a long time to finally get something, but when I do, it sticks. But I’m likely to make the same mistake more than once.
Work on your own growth as a person. If you want your children to be calm, you have to be calm. If you don’t want your children to lose their temper, you must learn to control yours. Children learn from watching you, not from listening to you. Remember that you are still a work in progress too. We grow up with our children and learn together how to be the best version of ourselves.
Celebrate the small victories. The goal of parenting is to see your children grow into mature, responsible, independent adults. It’s hard to know if you are doing the “right thing” until years later. Whenever things are going well and you see the fruits of your loving labor, celebrate! You deserve it.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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