Valentine’s Day is at our doorstep. On Feb. 14, couples will celebrate their love with cards, chocolate, flowers and fancy candlelit dinners.
But what about two weeks later? Will those warm and loving feelings still be warm and fuzzy?
In our busy and everyday lives, romance can take a back seat to carpools, kitchen clean-up, bedtime stories and the never-ending laundry of life. After the kids are asleep, both parents are exhausted.
As a family psychologist, I love to ask couples what keeps their romance alive. The other day, I asked a young couple their thoughts about keeping the flames burning. Joe thought for a moment, “I guess flowers and letting Mary know how much I love and appreciate her.”
Mary laughed and sighed all at once. “Well, I do like all of that. But how about putting away some laundry, washing the dishes, or making the bed — without being asked?” To her, it was household help that kept Valentine’s Day alive, not flowers or sweet words. Joe was shocked.
In a study of married couples, husbands and wives who shared housework duties had greater relationship satisfaction than those who didn’t. Most wives will tell you that husbands who do their share of household tasks leave them with more energy — for everything.
What really keeps the home fires burning? Couples who work together to take care of the “business of living” and cooperate with each other are more likely to have energy for romance. They take time to plan how all of these jobs will get done. It also involves helping each other without having to ask and performing good deeds without making a big fuss over what they’ve done.
Last week, my wife, Diane, did the dishes when it was my turn because I was tired. I made the bed (her job) when she wasn’t feeling so hot. She cleaned up the kitchen, even though it was late, so I didn’t have to face a load of dirty dishes in the morning. Our loved ones always appreciate small deeds of loving kindness. These acts nurture goodwill, which is the gasoline that powers relationships.
While Valentine’s Day is a nice shot in the arm for most couples, the biggest barrier to romance for young families is fatigue and lack of sleep. So, take it from someone who’s been married for 46 years: Taking responsibility for your share of household chores goes a long way toward keeping the home fires burning.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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