Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Dear Carolyn:
Over the weekend I attended a family “reunion” out of state. Everything went beautifully until I got home and received a text stating that I owed $50 per person. My husband and I received the invitation several weeks ago and there was never any mention of a fee on the invite.
It’s NOT the money! I strongly resent being told, not asked, to contribute.
Should I send the money and not say anything, or make a fuss? Note: my husband and I hosted a weekend for my relatives and paid all costs for three restaurant dinners and never charged anyone.
— Ticked Off
Yes, being billed after the fact is clunky and obnoxious.
But there are so many other ways to spin it.
If they had passed a hat during the party, would you have been annoyed? “Hey, we split up the food and venue costs and it’s $50 per person” — would that have rankled? What if someone had sent this around via email beforehand?
You absorbed those costs yourself once, but is everyone in a position to do the same? Did everyone want or expect you to pay or would they gladly have paid their shares?
Is everyone who does have the means to afford it all obligated to pick up the tab? As quietly as you did?
Point(s) being, a reunion with a lot of people (yes?), especially one that involves people traveling from all over, doesn’t just happen, and the food and space and other accommodations for a large group don’t just materialize. Sometimes it gets expensive and messy and sometimes the people running it don’t do everything gracefully.
And if you don’t pay your share, someone else will have to — the most gracious and/or self-sacrificing family member, most likely, as opposed to the most financially equipped.
If you see all these points and it’s just the way you were asked that would motivate you to make a fuss, then please see how pointlessly negative that fuss would be and pay the tab.
Dear Carolyn:
My spouse and I have no pets, and our small condo isn’t really pet-friendly. We are hosting a family get-together, and one relative asked if she could bring her dog. We aren’t thrilled about the request, but her dog is small and well-behaved, and she has been a very accommodating host to us in the past, so we decided to say OK.
Well, now another relative, who has a bigger and less well-behaved dog, has asked to bring his dog as well. Is there any polite way to say yes to one dog but no to another dog?
— Not Thrilled
Sure. You can say you agreed to the one dog because it’s small, but draw the line at that. You can even admit you failed to anticipate that yes to one dog would open the door to others’ expectations, and you’re sorry about your lack of foresight. Lesson learned.
What would be impolite is for any of your guests to complain about your decision not to host any more dogs.
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