Joe arrives home in a sunny mood. His wife, Joanne, greets him at the door: “I’m ticked off at you! I didn’t like how you handled our daughter last night!” She’s mad. Their teen, Sarah, came home 30 minutes after her curfew. Joe talked with her about it, but Joanne was upset with his approach.
Mary’s sister Beth is always asking her for help — money, rides, you name it. If Mary can’t help, Beth becomes angry and hostile. And she can be pretty guilt-inducing, too. It’s tough for Mary to say no, even when she wants to.
The joys of conflict.
Most adults don’t like dissension. They avoid it, try to get around it, under it, or over it. Some folks are allergic to it and will do anything to avoid confrontation. They prefer peace and harmony, but sometimes, it’s out of reach.
Most often, we react to the other person’s anger or criticism. When we hear their rebuke or demand, our heart pounds, we sweat, and our breath becomes short and shallow. Our sympathetic nervous system kicks in, and we feel that fight, flight, or freeze response. If we are inclined to fight, we might go on the offense. Joe, reacting to Joanne’s rebuke, argues that she’s too strict. “Our daughter can’t stand you!” he quips. And they’re off to the races.
If we want to flee, maybe we apologize without really feeling sorry. Or we do something that we don’t want to do. Mary agrees to drive her sister Beth to the mall, even though she doesn’t want to. The net result? Resentment.
Sometimes, overwhelmed, adults freeze or shut down — especially adults who have experienced trauma in their lives. Conflict triggers a reptilian response — playing dead to avoid a threat.
Instead of reacting, pause and consider how you’d like to respond. One comes from your gut (nervous system), and the latter comes from your head and your heart.
So here is what you can do:
■ Calm your body. Before thinking about how to respond, you must quiet your body’s reaction. Breathe, relax your jaw and let your shoulders and neck settle down — take three long, deep breaths. Now you can think more clearly.
■ How do you want to respond? Suppose you don’t want to drive your sister to the mall. Maybe this is a good time to say, “No. I am not available.” What if Joe felt his approach to their teen was OK? Should he apologize? Probably not.
■ Stand your ground. Standing your ground is neither aggressive nor defensive. It’s receptive. For example, in the case of being scolded, listen. What is the other person thinking, feeling and communicating? Ask a question before you make a statement.
For example, Joe asks his wife what she felt was wrong about his tactic. What approach would she prefer and why? Perhaps she’s making some good points. Acknowledge them. But it’s also OK to let her know that despite her excellent ideas, Joe still feels that his method was reasonable.
Mary can stand her ground, too. It’s possible to say “no” — kindly, firmly and compassionately. She says, “I know that you want to go to the mall, but I’m not available to bring you — maybe some other time.” When Beth ramps up her rampage, Mary stands her ground without getting angry or defensive. And it’s also OK to end the conversation.
It’s your job to look out for yourself. Don’t expect others to do it for you.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. For more information, visit www.everettclinic.com.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
