Sally says yes to everyone.
She’s loved and appreciated by her friends and family. She’s always willing to do what others ask of her. Everyone thinks Sally is kind and generous, to a fault.
The problem: Sometimes Sally doesn’t want to be so accommodating. She feels resentful that other people aren’t as helpful as she is. Why won’t others offer to help her? And sometimes, she wishes her friends wouldn’t ask so much of her. Can’t they see she’s overwhelmed? Sally wonders if they would like her as much if she said no every once in a while.
Sally is a classic people-pleaser. Sound familiar?
Some adults and children seek the approval of others. They need to be liked and appreciated by everyone. They want to please other people and often put their needs and themselves at the end of the line.
This is an unhealthy business. An adult can develop a chronic state of resentment toward others. Resentment is bad for your health and well-being. It’s like having water in your gas tank — everything will become rusted and fouled.
How does this develop? Children observe a people-pleasing parent and model themselves after that adult. In other situations, children come to feel that the only way they can obtain approval from parents is by pleasing them — getting good grades, always doing the “right” thing, and always being “a good camper.” Needless to say, these behaviors gain approval.
Children who grow up in dysfunctional families with an alcoholic parent can mature quickly. That is, they start acting like responsible adults by age 8, taking care of their parents and siblings because no one else is functioning as a parent.
People pleasing can also be in response to low self-esteem. A child or adult who feels unworthy adopts this pattern of behavior as a way of avoiding rejection. They feel that they have to live up to the expectations of others in order to be worthwhile. This often results in many bad choices.
So, how do adults reverse this tendency? The first step is to become aware of your true feelings. Do you really want to make this offer? Do you really want to help your friend? Identifying your true feelings is the beginning of making decisions and choices based on your real desires. The second step is to notice when you offer to do something that you really don’t want to do. What happened? Were you aware of your feelings or were you on automatic people-pleasing pilot? Is it possible to change your mind? Awareness of yourself is the key to changing this maladaptive pattern of behavior.
Here are some more practical suggestions:
• Remember, you are not in this world to live up to everyone else’s expectations. Wow! Is that really true? Yes, it is! You were not born with a sign on your forehead that reads, “I am in this world to live up to everyone’s expectations.”
• Thinking about your needs does not mean you’re selfish. Your needs are just as important as everyone else’s—no more and no less. This puts you on the same playing field as others.
• When you say no, don’t expect to hear a brass band play in celebration. When you start to say no to others, you’ll get some flak. Some of your friends and family may have become used to you doing their bidding. They may wonder, “What happened to Sally? She used to be so nice!” Remember, you are trying to get out of the “looking for approval everywhere” market.
• Be honest with yourself. Be honest with others. Recognizing your own needs enables you to give of yourself when you want to, not because you feel you have to.
• Change takes a long time. It took a long time to become a people-pleaser; It will take a long time to change this habit. You can do it.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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