KENNEWICK – Strangers often assume the main man in Rose Wilhelmi’s life is her grandfather. That draws giggles and sighs from the 11-year-old Richland girl. The white-haired man with glasses is her 78-year-old father, Lyle Wilhelmi.
“Basically, when I’m walking just through a store or something, they call him ‘grandparent,‘“said Rose, a sixth-grader at Oasis School in Richland.
But Rose doesn’t have grandparents. All four of are dead. And Lyle Wilhelmi isn’t even a grandfather. His two older children, both in their 50s from a previous marriage, don’t have kids of their own.
Wilhelmi is among the small group of older fathers statewide becoming parents for the first time during middle age or retirement, or after several decades of a parenting hiatus.
According to the state Department of Health’s Center for Health Statistics, the number of fathers over 50 has increased since 1999. Experts say parenthood later in life has become more accepted, especially since a relationship between an older man and a younger woman is now not unusual.
“In general, people in society have become more open-minded to alternative families, and that might include older men having children,” said Scott Haltzman, author of “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” and a clinical assistant professor at Brown University in Providence, R.I.
However, a marriage between an older woman and a younger man still is not as prevalent, and society may have a tougher time accepting the relationship because of a cultural bias that the woman is the primary caregiver, Haltzman said.
But dads such as Wilhelmi say they are better parents in their later years because they have more time and patience for their kids.
“Later on, you’ve got more money, a whole better sense and plenty of time,” said Wilhelmi, whose wife became pregnant with Rose a year after he retired.
Armin Brott, the Oakland, Calif., author of “Father for Life: A Journey of Joy, Challenge, and Change,” said younger dads have a harder time focusing on fatherhood because they often are worried about money and providing for the family.
“Younger fathers are more concerned about getting settled in their careers, making a partner and saving for a down payment” on a home, Brott said.
Dan Wright, 52, of Finley said he’s able to devote more time to his 21/2-year-old adopted son, Alex, than he did with his two sons, Jason, 25, and John, 23. He also admitted he has more patience.
“I enjoy it more than when the older boys were small,” Wright said. “I guess I’m not in a big hurry. I’m able to just really spend time with him and enjoy him.”
Wright said he gives his toddler son baths, takes him on trips, and they read books together.
Ben Espinoza, 55, of Pasco said he believes he wouldn’t have been as responsible a parent in his 20s. Espinoza said he had problems with alcohol and money management in his younger years, but now he’s a better example for his 3-year-old son, Andres Jacob.
“He gives me energy. Every day I wake up and see his smiling face, and it makes me happy,” Espinoza said.
Older dads recognize that they might be too old to keep up with their spry offspring and likely won’t be able to be in their children’s lives as long as younger parents.
“I can see very easily it’s going to be a lot different with Alex, because I just don’t have the physical capability I did 30 years ago,” Wright said.
Some fathers such as Wilhelmi also have had to acknowledge that they might not live to see all of their child’s milestones.
“My experience is older men recognize they won’t be able to go through all of life’s transition points in their child’s life,” Haltzman said.
But many of these dads believe that giving more of themselves in the first years of their child’s life is better than abandoning a child as some younger fathers do, he said.
Wilhelmi said he has been buying jewelry for his daughter since she was 2 and labeling each piece for special occasions such as high school graduation and her wedding day. That way, if he’s not there, he will have done something special to make his presence and love known.
“I’ve tried to compensate in some way,” he said.
Espinoza said he can’t think of any disadvantages to being an older dad. In fact, he said he’s convinced that his relationship with his son is the cornerstone of his life.
“I never realized how great it would feel,” he said.
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