By Sid Roberts / Herald Forum
My wife recently started wearing hearing aids. Her hearing is significantly improved, which is good for her, but sort of bad for me. She can hear much better, which is obviously a positive development.
On the downside for me, she can now hear not only what I say but she can also hear how I say things. When she couldn’t hear as well, I used to get second opportunities to moderate what I said to her. Now my speech is all first take and I must be accountable not only what I say but how I say it.
I have learned in sales, in life and certainly in relationships, it is often just as important how you say something as is what you say. Communication is kind of funny that way. Body language, rate of speech, context and surely tone, communicate much about how we are feeling about the subject than what we are describing. Additionally, if your observable actions don’t match the words you say, it is obviously confusing and sometimes offensive.
Today, many value saying nothing substantive but enjoy saying it rudely. It hasn’t always been that way. Historically, diplomacy was an art form and those who were skilled in it used moderation and wisdom in their interaction. Restraint in speech was considered a virtue. Tempering and disciplining the tenor of your communication was honorable. Disagreement, when softened by diplomatic speech didn’t have to cause an impasse or become an opportunity to take a shot at someone else. Usually speaking the truth, without the nasty barb, opened the door to compromise.
However, many people nowadays, hold to the Bob Dylan lyric from a few years ago that goes: “I used to care, but things have changed.” Instead of working to moderate what they say, many now appear to feel it is virtuous to spew nonsense. A wicked tongue is considered by many to be better than a wicked-smart mind. As 100-year-old Henry Kissinger recently told Ted Kopple, “The younger generation feels if they can raise their emotions they don’t have to think.” While it may feel good emotionally to spew wicked words without a filter, the damage is considerable. Articulating haughty and naughty rhetoric might have elected a president but it can’t govern a people.
Another word problem happens when something true is stated that shouldn’t be said at all or is said at the wrong time. When my mother had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer, her physician, stumbling for what to say as he stood at her bedside said, “they’re sure are going to miss you at the bank (where she worked).” It was true enough she would be missed where she worked but he made a huge blunder in terms of stating a truth at the wrong time. My poor dying mother sobbed openly.
Words usually land in the mind and will be remembered for a lifetime. The old saying that “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me” is simply untrue. It may have temporarily worked on the playground, but it’s dishonest. The fact is that “sticks and stones will hurt me for a while, but words can injure for a lifetime.”
Wise leaders and difference makers have always led with their speech as well as their actions. Speaking with temperance in our communication sets the stage for honest and right actions. Nasty speech leads to hate and is often an indicator of what resides in the heart.
So, if we want to change the world, we must start with a change of how we talk and learn to speak truth in love without the tones of escalation. We can do this, but it starts with humility and a decision to tone down not only what we say but be careful how we say it.
Sid Roberts serves as the mayor of Stanwood.
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