By Dan Hazen / Herald Forum
When I began a new job a few months ago, my commute changed.
Each day, at nearly the same place on Grove Street, I pass a man travelling the opposite direction. Each day I nod “hello” and each day he returns the courtesy. Sometimes I wonder where he’s going. Sometimes, I wonder if he wonders where I’m going. I wonder at the apparent randomness that leads to the meeting of two strangers at the same place and time each day. He must begin his journey at precisely the same time to arrive at precisely the same spot that our paths cross, just as I must do the same.
Recently, I was startled when I came upon him several blocks before I usually do. I must have looked perplexed because when he returned my customary “Good Morning” nod, his face mirrored what I was feeling: “What are you doing here? You’re out of place!” As I pedaled onward, I thought, “Wait a minute … if he was farther along his route when I met him, that means I’m late!” I felt a sudden, low-yield thud of anxiety bloom in my stomach as I imagined being late to my new(ish) job. Within a fraction of a second, a rational thought took over: “It’s just as likely that he’s early.” I consulted my phone and, sure enough, I was on schedule. He was early.
What happened here? Well, in the midst of change, I had allowed my point of calibration to change too. I had, without thinking, begun to measure time based on an arbitrary reference point.
The business of calibrating things is important to the smooth operation of our world. Not just calibrating time (for navigating oceans and avoiding train collisions) but calibrating economies (how many U.S. dollars is a Euro worth?) language (air traffic controllers all refer to English) and even virtues, values and morality. For example, how do you know if a decision is compassionate? Is it because your mom told you it was compassionate? Because someone on TikTok or Facebook said so? Because your political party has defined compassion? Or is it because it “feels” compassionate?
It seems that people are calibrating their virtues, values and morality on increasingly arbitrary standards, most notably something called “My truth.” If something feels “fair” to you, then it is “fair.” If it feels “truthful,” then it’s “true.” My previous workplace training taught that, in Washington state, if a co-worker “feels” harassed by you, then you are guilty of harassment; perhaps not legally, but certainly morally.
The height of offensive behavior in 2025 is to “shame” someone by pointing out that they are out of calibration; that they’ve begun wandering in an ever-contracting circle because they are calibrated only to themselves.
Look, there has been a lot of damage done through toxic shame in the name of conformity and progress. But in our effort to correct that, we’ve destroyed the potency and efficacy of healthy shame: the calling of another back to a shared, external reference point which is not subject to mood or fashion.
We can talk more about this if you like. Just send me an email; to whatever address feels right to you.
Dan Hazen lives in Marysville and works in Everett.
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