By Edie Everette / Herald Forum
Now that hysteria over politics is beginning to recede, let us turn our attention to the pressing issue of stand-up mixers. Also known as stand mixers, these appliances have rushed to the front of the line of house warming and wedding gifts, superseding cultural rituals such as filling a hope chest, carving love spoons and finding a chicken’s liver.
In a store the other day a middle-aged man breathlessly asked an employee for directions to the stand-up mixers. His panic took me back to my pre-wedding days when I knew that I had to have one. It was instinctual, like a woman who hears her clock ticking. I could not afford a brand-new stand mixer — probably because I purchased my own wedding band to have something stronger than the aluminum one my fiancé wanted to make — so I ventured to the land of second-hand restaurant supply stores at the south end of town. Calling to me from the dirty corner of a store was a beat-up stand-up whose fabric covered cord was detached and frayed. It cost me as almost as much to have it repaired than it would have to buy a new one.
This pull to join the cult of the stand-up mixer usually occurs during a nesting stage of life, along with visions of breads with posture and fluffy cakes that are sure to preserve a family for layers of decades. If texture, flavor and beauty of confections created with the mixer don’t keep the family together, the weight of these mixers might. Who wants to cart a 32-pound appliance with the dead weight of a boulder from apartment to apartment after a divorce? Ask someone who knows.
Check out the colors of recent models! One mixer brand boasts 42 colors that include Guava Glaze, Matcha, Milkshake and Almond Cream … ingredients you could mix into cakes! Plus, you can drown in their glossy coats the way one might disappear into the endless finish on a Ferrari Purosangue.
You can now personalize your mixer by having it engraved with names, or a sweet wedding message. This action may require a pre-nup as there is no way you are going to want to blemish perfection by grinding those sentiments and names off later. Another way to customize your mixer is by collecting attachments. Add KitchenAid’s 7-Blade Spiralizer, a Shave Ice Attachment or 5-Quart Tilt-Head Metallic Finish Stainless Steel Bowl that looks of pure gold. Much like motorcycles mixer attachments are endless, giving everyone something to look forward to.
In nearby Arlington, a woman named Nicole Dinardo airbrushes amazing images and designs onto stand-up mixers. Again, a motorcycle parallel! Whether you want a jungle scene, penguins or a Seahawks design she can do it and her work is beautiful.
Scientifically, stand-ups produce better baking results than mixing by hand or with a beater since they are powerful enough to blend really cold butter into batters and doughs, making final products fluffier.
The lower my metabolism becomes with age, the higher my old mixer goes up on a shelf. Like a birdcage at night, my mixer sits — or, stands — under a cover. I have no idea how I’d ever get it down. If dropped it would crash through the floor to create a perfect stand mixer shaped hole.
I feel badly for neglecting it, which causes me to wonder: Am I still in the cult?
Edie Everette is a writer and news junkie who lives in Index.
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