Back in the good old days, you could win an Olympic gold medal in pistol dueling, rope climbing or live pigeon shooting, an event especially popular with city dwellers angry that the birds kept using their freshly washed buggies for target practice.
Here are a few events we hope to see in future Olympic Games:
Roundabout races: This event could take place in Lake Stevens, which has one roundabout and is considering another. The gold medal will go to the first driver to find their way out of the roundabout without breaking any laws or becoming so dizzy they hit a street sign.
Airline relays: Carriers are already training for this event by improving on-time-arrival rates. Pilots will attempt to make their connections on a worldwide obstacle course that will include challenges such as thunderstorms, late first-class passengers and mysterious burning smells in the cabin.
Losing teams will have to ride home in economy class.
Ivy marathon: First, build up your stamina for this event by yanking some weeds in Edmonds. Then test your endurance by clearing a field every day of the Games while fresh tendrils of ivy spring up behind you and try to climb your legs.
Competitors will be allowed to use gloves, clippers, machetes and any expression of frustration that you can say on TV.
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