Just ewwww

Free-market solutions: A U.S. senator from North Carolina says the government should not order restaurants to make their employees wash their hands after using the toilet. Sen. Thom Tillis, R-Don’t Shake His Hand, does think restaurants whose workers don’t wash their hands should “post a sign” to alert their customers.

And here’s what that sign should say: Pardon our E.coli; it’s the germ of freedom.

Frankenmilk: Coke is rolling out Fairlife, a new milk product that’s been processed to contain more protein and less sugar that regular milk.

Fairlife will cost twice as much as regular milk, because it’s subjected to two rigorous scientific processes: pasteurization, and consumer bamboozlement.

Stand by your man: Disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong let his girlfriend take the blame for plowing their SUV into a couple of parked cars after a night of partying, say police in Aspen, Colorado.

Armstrong would have pedaled his bike home, but he forgot to take his performance-enhancing drugs.

— Jon Bauer and Mark Carlson, Herald staff

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