By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
A moment of silence please for a venerable and beloved entertainer.
No, not Ozzy Osbourne. The heavy metal “prince of darkness,” who died at 76 this week, is more deserving of a moment of discordant, raspy, overdubbed screeching, say the 3 minutes, 46 seconds of Black Sabbath’s “Crazy Train.”
No, we’re mourning the death of the once-reliable and inescapable “slow news week,” those periods in summer, typically in July and August, when newspapers and network and cable news channels scrounged for news and were left to chase stories like President Obama’s tan suit, which drew outrage in August of 2014 when he wore it while addressing terrorism; outrage such as from then-U.S. Rep. Peter King, R-Men’s Wearhouse: “There’s no way, I don’t think, any of us can excuse what the president did yesterday. I mean, you have the world watching.”
What we now must settle for — as President Trump desperately flails about to change the subject to anything but what’s in the Department of Justice files on the late sex offender, child trafficker and former Trump pal, Jeffrey Epstein — is an unending “faux news week”:
Would you look at the time? Gotta go: After last week declaring that the Epstein material should be released — as many in MAGA world have demanded after Trump spent months teasing release of the files — House Speaker Mike Johnson walked back that statement and argued that Trump and his administration “needed space” to decide how to proceed. As a handful of House Republicans joined Democrats to force a procedural vote on calling for release of the files, Johnson cut the week’s legislative business short a day early and sent the House home on its six-week summer vacation, skipping out on scheduled votes that were Republican priorities.
Among vacation plans for Johnson and other Republicans; some time on the beach where they can get away from all the controversy and stick their heads in the sand.
“Ahh, but the strawberries! That’s, that’s where I had them.” Asked by reporters in the Oval Office on Tuesday about the Epstein files, Trump condemned the questions as “sort of a witch hunt” and turned the topic to allegations of “treasonous conspiracy” announced by Tulsi Gabbard, his director of national intelligence, that President Obama during the 2016 election “was trying to lead a coup” with Hillary Clinton regarding FBI investigations into Russia’s meddling in the election to the benefit of Trump. “It’s time to go after people. Obama’s been caught directly,” the president said, listing others involved in the alleged conspiracy. “It would be President Obama. He started it, and Biden was there with him, and Comey was there, and Clapper, the whole group was there.”
Admit it, Barry; you knew that eventually you would be brought to justice for the tan suit.
What do you mean “we,” Kemosabe: President Trump is threatening to hold up a deal for a new football stadium in the nation’s capital unless the NFL’s Washington Commanders restore the team’s name to the Washington Redskins, a change the team made in 2022. Trump also demanded the same of the MLB’s Cleveland Guardians, who changed their name the same year from the Indians. Neither team has expressed interest in restoring the old names. “Our great Indian people, in massive numbers, want this to happen,” declared Trump on Truth Social.
“Mr. President,” whispered an aide. “Do you recall what happened last time a blond, Great White Father made assumptions about Native Americans at Little Big Horn?”
Coming soon to the Trump Center for the Self-Promotional Arts: Republican lawmakers moved to rename the Opera House at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts — home of its annual “Kennedy Center Honors” lifetime achievement awards program — after first lady, Melania Trump. President Trump, after ignoring the arts center during his first term, in his second term ousted its board and installed new members, then named himself chairman. Rep. Mike Simpson proposed the name change as “an excellent way to recognize her appreciation for the arts.”
And an excellent way for Simpson, R-Lickspittle, Idaho, to make sure he won’t be primaried next year during midterms.
They drown horses, don’t they: National Parks Service employees, under threat of termination, have been ordered to review displays and signs at national parks for “woke” and “inappropriate” content that conflicts with the Trump administration’s directives and report potential problematic messaging. One sign suggested for review at North Carolina’s Cape Hatteras National Seashore explains how climate change and rising seas are threatening the shoreline and the habitat of wild horses. “We … would like someone to review if messaging of climate change and sea level rise reduces the focus on the grandeur, beauty and abundance,” one employee reported.
But there’s no need to send out the Grandeur, Beauty and Abundance Message Protection Team for sign dewokification. Wait just a couple of years and the rising seas should take care of the job.
More strawberries, anyone? President Trump, on Friday, repeated his assertion that President Obama was “no doubt” involved in a treasonous conspiracy to rig the 2016 election against Trump. Obama, through a spokesman, said he does not normally “dignify the constant nonsense and misinformation flowing out of this White House,” but called the new allegations “bizarre,” “ridiculous” and disproved by previous investigations, including a 2020 bipartisan Senate Intelligence Committee report.
Added Obama, with his trademark vocal fry, “Ahhhhhh, Epstein.”
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on Bluesky @jontbauer.bsky.social.
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