By Jon Bauer
Herald Opinion Editor
Over-achievers that we are, we’ve assembled a seven-bullet list of snark this week, hoping to prove to Elon Musk and other special individuals that we have a pulse and two neurons to rub together.
Next week’s email demand, subject line: What are you wearing? Like Special Government Employee™ Elon Musk, we’re a fan of bullet-point lists, so we’re completely on board with his email — subject line: “What did you do this week” — to all 2.3 million federal employees telling them to take time out of their work day to write up a self-assessment that included “approx. 5 bullets of what you accomplished last week.” The demand was repeated Monday night, after the deadline for the first list, but offered a second chance to comply, with the warning that failure to respond this time would “result in termination.”
We’re not a government employee, but we’re game:
Dear Special Government Employee™ Musk,
Here’s what we got done last week:
Kept the cats’ food bowl full, although cats complained when portions of the bottom of the bowl were visible on two occasions.
Refrained for laughing at TikTok videos of Tesla Cybertrucks getting stuck in the snow, which — we’ll note — took great effort.
Wrote bulleted list of accomplishments for the week, although considered outsourcing the work to an AI chatbot.
Debated with self whether four bullets would count as “approx. 5.”
Considered which letter of the alphabet we would use to name businesses, products and future offspring and/or pets, since X is taken.
As federal workers do with little appreciation, did our damn job.
All in all it’s just another trick in the wall: Among the things that Special Government Employee™ Elon Musk got done this week were “corrections” to his “Wall of Receipts” website in what he claims his U.S. DOGE Service has saved the American people so far. The corrections including $655 million in foreign aid cuts (which were counted three times on the wall) and the cancellation of a $8 billion contract that was actually only $8 million. Even with the corrections, the claimed savings increased to $65 billion from last week’s $55 billion. But only about $2 billion in actual savings was confirmed in numerous reports.
So, No. 1 on Musk’s list: Rewrote the principles of math.
Time to pluck Big Chicken: While bird flu has been blamed for record high egg prices in recent months, averaging $8 a dozen, the nation’s largest egg producer, Cal-Maine Foods, which produces about a fifth of all eggs in the U.S., reported an 82 percent increase in revenue from the prior year, a difference of $431 million.
We’d throw eggs at Cal-Maine executives, but they’d probably catch ‘em and resell ‘em.
Must have been jealous of all the attention Musk was getting: Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon and owner of the Washington Post, announced a new directive for the Post’s opinion section, declaring that it would now advocate for “two pillars: personal liberties and free markets” and would not publish opinions differing from that perspective. The announcement led to the resignation of the section’s current editor, who was informed that if his response to Bezos’ directive “wasn’t ‘hell yes,’ then it had to be ‘no.’”
OK, but how many times does Bezos think George Will can write about “personal liberties and free markets” without finding a way to work in a reference to obscure baseball trivia.
Everybody out of the pool! Except you, Tucker; you can stay: The White House announced Tuesday that it was taking control of the press pool that covers President Trump, determining which reporters from which news organizations would be allowed access to the president and White House briefings, a decision previously left to the White House Correspondents’ Association. This following Trump’s edict to deny the Associated Press access over its refusal to use “Gulf of America,” rather than Gulf of Mexico in its reports and widely used style book.
Press passes will now be issued with a shock collar, with the remote held by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. Reporters, please phrase your questions carefully.
He who smelt it, dealt it: Republicans in Congress have voted to repeal a Biden-era federal fee on methane emissions — a “super-pollutant” that make up about a third of all climate-warming gases — leaked by oil and gas producers. The fee, which had not yet gone into effect, was expected to bring in billions of dollars to the federal government.
However, the methane-emission fee will remain in effect for old dogs and uncles who instruct young children to “pull my finger.”
No, Mr. President, you may not try on the crown: President Trump immediately accepted an invitation from King Charles III to visit Britain for a second state visit. The invitation was delivered by Prime Minister Keir Starmer, who informed Trump that a second visit by a U.S. president with the royal family was “unprecedented.”
French President Emmanuel Macron admitted that the Brits had one-upped France in efforts to curry favor with Trump. “We considered letting him play with a guillotine at the Bastille, but thought better of it when he asked to bring his former vice president along,” said Macron.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on BlueSky at @jontbauer.bsky.social.
Talk to us
> Give us your news tips.
> Send us a letter to the editor.
> More Herald contact information.
