By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
Having received no notice from Elon Musk regarding our employment — and only a hefty increase in our health insurance premiums — The Buzz lives to snark another day.
“Drats,” said Putin. “If only we had a navy and nuclear missiles”: President Trump traded barbs with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky on Wednesday, following talks about a potential peace deal between Russia and Ukraine that included representatives of the U.S. and Russia but excluded any participation by Ukraine. Among the criticisms hurled by Trump were false accusations that Ukraine started the war and false statements regarding Zelensky’s standing in his nation’s polls and the amount of aid the U.S. has provided to Ukraine, nearly tripling the actual figure. Trump further noted that the war was more important to Europe than it was to the U.S. because “We have a big beautiful Ocean as separation.”
Noting the 80th anniversary of the Battle of Iwo Jima earlier this week, would someone in the White House please Google “ocean between United States and Japan” and “attack on Pearl Harbor” for the president.
Sic him, Grok 3! In other verbal fisticuffs, former Trump 1.0 chief strategist Steve Bannon continued his attacks on Special Government Employee™ Elon Musk regarding his work with the Department of Government Efficiency, calling him a “parasitic illegal immigrant” who “wants to play-act as God without any respect for the country’s history, values or traditions.” In response, Musk posted on X that “Bannon was a great talker but not a great doer. What has he done this week? Nothing?”
We should be enjoying this more, but we can’t help the sneaking suspicion that both Bannon and Musk are half-heartedly feeding prompts into AI chatbots for their insults.
Now, where did I leave those door-plug bolts? Eager to take delivery of two new Boeing 747s to serve as Air Force One, President Trump has empowered Special Government Employee™ Elon Musk to prod Boeing to speed up final work and could even relax security clearance standards for some of those working on the Everett-built jets.
“Ve are hurryink,” said a raven-haired femme fatale, one of two electronics installers; the other a dumpy, mustachioed man in a black fedora, who replied, “Keep eye out for Moose and Squirrel, darlink. Testink 1, 2, 3. Come in, Fearless Leader.”
Nothing that some underdone roadkill can’t cure: Newly appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will lead a Make America Healthy Again Commission that is expected to review the prescription of psychiatric and other drugs for children, including those used to curb ADHD, anxiety, suicidal ideation, self-harm and obesity.
Think about it, Mom and Dad. Who are you going to trust with your children’s health: Their doctor or a former heroin addict. now conspiracy theorist with a dead parasitic worm lodged in his brain who promotes the benefits of raw milk, believes that vaccines cause autism, that covid was exaggerated to promote vaccines, that 5G cell phone towers cause cancer, that AIDS isn’t caused by HIV, that fluoride causes diseases and blames Prozac for school shootings.
No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to renounce DEI: Billionaire and Special Government Employee™ Elon Musk posted several comments to X, questioning the legitimacy of the U.S. gold reserves at Fort Knox, Ky., wondering if about $434 billion worth of gold is really “still there” or “gone” and demanding a “live video walk-through” to prove it hadn’t been stolen.
Or is it all part of a cunning plan? Elon knows how close to the edge of “Bond villain” he already is, doesn’t he?
Why a duck? Why a no chicken? Donald Trump Jr., the president’s eldest son, is in some hot water with Italian game authorities after he shot and killed a species of duck — a ruddy shelduck, which is protected by European environmental law — during a hunting party in Italy. “This is actually a rather uncommon duck for the area; not even sure what it is in English,” Trump Jr. said in a video that has led to consideration of charges.
Moving quickly to defend his son, Trump immediately announced the duck’s name would now be known as “Duck of America,” and therefore legal to shoot. Sticking to its guns, the Associated Press Stylebook continues to list the bird as a ruddy shelduck. The Washington Post and The New York Times will use ruddy shelduck on first reference but note Trump’s new name for the duck in coverage of court proceedings.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on BlueSky at @jontbauer.bsky.social.
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