By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
Last week, media outlets were certain something big was coming with a cryptic announcement that Secretary of Defense (sorry) War Pete Hegseth was calling some 800 military generals and admirals from around the globe to an all-hands meeting at the Marine base in Quantico, Va. Rather than the mass firings of brass that some anticipated, Hegseth laid out a new dress code, declaring no quarter for fat generals or admirals in the Pentagon and no “beardos.”
Had we realized that obesity and beards were’t disqualifying until just now, we would have tried harder when we took the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery test in high school.
In other missed opportunities this week:
Here’s another acronym for you, Pete; SNAFU: During the same speech, which must have sounded rousing in Hegseth’s head, the War Monger (sorry) Secretary warned foreign countries against testing the Pentagon’s new “warrior ethos.” Thundered Hegseth: ““In other words, to our enemies, FAFO. If necessary, our troops can translate that for you.”
Waiting a beat for applause and or cheers, Hegseth heard silence. And as no troops were present to consult, the generals just typed “FAFO” into Google. And shrugged.
Are you not entertained? The taciturn brass befuddled Trump, too: At the start of his speech, the president commented, “I’ve never walked into a room so silent before” encouraging the military leaders to “feel nice and loose” and inviting them to applaud, laugh or get up and leave if they didn’t like what they’re hearing.
Trump’s forgetting that all of these officials have been through basic training and know when under attack you don’t stand up and offer yourself as a target.
Buzz off, kids; this is our playground now: During Trump’s and Hegseth’s addresses to the nation’s top generals and admirals, President Trump told the military leaders that they needed to confront “the enemy from within” and use “dangerous” Democratic-run cities, including Chicago, Portland, Ore. and Los Angeles as “training grounds for our military.”
Maybe Trump’s on to something here. Each of the cities comes with ready-made obstacle courses that would challenge the top recruits: dodging caffeine-deprived Seattle commuters before the Starbucks open in Seattle; balancing a 12-high stack of books to the sales counter from the fourth floor of Powell’s City of Books in Portland, without crashing into cos-playing Manga fans with armloads of anime graphic novels; and braving the California heat while waiting for standby tickets for “Jimmy Kimmel Live” in L.A.
Special appearance planned by flame-throwing-bagpipe-playing, kilt-wearing unicycle-riding Darth Vader: Portland, Ore., following President Trump’s announced plans to send National Guard troops to the “war-ravaged” hipster city, has responded in keeping with its ethos to “Keep Portland Weird.” It will meet the “full force” of Trump’s military occupation with an “emergency” naked bike ride. “Emergency World Naked Bike Ride coming up in response to the militarization of our city. Plans are being worked on,” read an Instagram post.
Troops are being advised not to engage the naked bike-riders “until you see the whites of their thighs.” While we’re on the subject, how keen will National Guard troops be to add naked bike-ride surveillance to their “full force” duties of picking up litter and clearing storm drains of leaves, all while leaving behind their regular jobs and families to get paid nothing during the government shutdown?
Oh, yeah. the shutdown: Shutdowns are never pleasant affairs, with barbs and blame literally traded left and right, but President Trump topped them all this week. After Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer and House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries met with President Trump and congressional Republicans to try to avert the shutdown, Trump posted to social media an AI-doctored video of Jeffries in a sombrero and mustache — with a mariachi music background — and Schumer crudely describing Democratic failures; then repeating a new racist meme when Jeffries objected.
We hadn’t realized that along with paving over the White House Rose Garden and planning a huge opulent ballroom, Trump also had work done at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue to install a rad bro hangout in the basement where he can drink diet Cokes, prompt his copy of Grok AI to make racist deepfake videos and watch Hegseth bench press 25 pounds at a time.
Well, as long as you’re having a good time: Asked about the racist videos, Vice President J.D. Vance said he thought they were funny. “The president’s joking and we’re having a good time,” he said.
But Vance then pressed reporters for details about Trump’s new basement clubhouse. “Do you guys know which door it is, because I’m certain the president would have told me about it and probably just forget to give me directions. I mean, we’re best buds., right? Right?”
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on Bluesky @jontbauer.bsky.social.
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