By Jon Bauer
Herald staff
We would like to make clear that when we took that Butterfinger from a View Ridge grocery store in 1973, it was completely inadvertent; we were distracted by that cute girl in our class and accidentally left without paying. Through our lawyers, we have offered restitution and humbly ask that our apology be accepted.
As for other inadvertent crimes during the week that wasn’t:
He ought to get the chair; oh, wait, he took it: Lawyers for Mukilteo initiative promoter Tim Eyman claimed that Eyman inadvertently took a $70 office chair from a Lacey Office Depot store and forgot to pay for it when he paid for other items. Eyman, who has been cited with third-degree theft, claimed it didn’t make any sense that he would attempt the theft: “The reason that doesn’t make any sense is because it doesn’t make any sense.”
Based on that explanation, we’re puzzled by Eyman’s long history of legal problems.
The plot sickens: “Empire” cast member and actor Jussie Smollett has been charged with felony disorderly conduct for an alleged plot to stage an elaborately detailed racist and homophobic attack against himself. Chicago police said it appeared Smollett was attempting to elicit sympathy to promote his career and get a better salary.
If things aren’t working out for him as an actor, at least Smollett’s shown some talent for writing gripping storylines.
Bad dog owner! No license! A German court has ruled that a dog owner isn’t fit to carry a firearms license after the hunter’s dog shot him with a rifle when the loaded firearm’s trigger was released in his car.
Had that happened here, the dog would have been given a marksmanship award, a concealed carry permit, and an NRA lifetime membership.
It is a pretty good likeness, Mr. President: Following the Feb. 16 broadcast of “Saturday Night Live,” which featured a sketch where actor Alec Baldwin appeared as President Trump declaring a national emergency to fund construction of a border wall, the actual President Trump, asked in a tweet how “the Networks get away with these total Republican hit jobs without retribution?” and demanded that the satirical show be “looked into.”
White House aides then turned the channel on the Oval Office TV from Fox News, which had been playing a clip of the president’s Rose Garden address.
Weiner roast: Disgraced former Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner, convicted in 2017 of sending sexually explicit texts to a 15-year-old girl, was released from prison to a New York halfway house.
While we go get a cup of coffee, feel free to write your own “Weiner released after serving time for releasing wiener” New York Post headline.
Mom better have gotten a nice dinner for her birthday: A northern Idaho teen says he made $35,000 in four days by charging $750 an hour to plow snow in Seattle during heavy snows earlier this month. The 18-year-old was visiting his mother in Seattle for her birthday and brought along his plow when he learned about the snow.
Fair’s fair; we’re heading to Boise this summer and charging $750 for a six-pack of decent beer.
Shoulda put a ring on it: Robert Kraft, the owner of the NFL’s six-time Super Bowl champion New England Patriots, has been charged with two counts of soliciting prostitutes, following a large-scale prostitution sweep in Jupiter, Florida.
Mr. Kraft, while it’s customary to make a trip to Florida following a Super Bowl win, most folks go to Disneyworld.
Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.
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