The Buzz: The year in review that wasn’t

By Jon Bauer

Herald staff

And just like that another year of fake news has drawn to a close. Let’s review the year that wasn’t:

January

Not what I meant when I asked for the ICE machine: Washington state’s attorney general filed suit against Motel 6, alleging the lodging chain disclosed the private information of thousands of guests to U.S. immigration authorities, violating state consumer protection laws.

So, not only was Motel 6 leaving a light on for you, it was shining the light on you if they thought you looked foreign.

All over except the shouting: Congress on Monday evening approved a stop-gap spending bill, ending the brief three-day government shutdown and extending funding until at least Feb. 8, when lawmakers could again flirt with yet another shutdown.

We’re beginning to suspect that the government has actually gone bankrupt and Congress is now living month-to-month by taking out a payday loan at the Washington, D.C., Moneytree branch.

With live tweets from a cockatoo: President Trump gives his first State of the Union address tonight, broadcast by all major networks and cable news channels.

We checked, but Animal Planet is not offering counter-programming in the form of a State of the Puppy Union speech with President Wigglesworth announcing that the nation’s nose is warm and moist, the squirrels are on the run and there has been no collusion with the cats.

Niceness squared: Intensely likeable actor Tom Hanks is set to portray exceedingly likeable children’s TV host Fred Rogers in a movie adaption of journalist Tom Junod’s book about Mister Rogers, “Can You Say … Hero?”

Yes, it’s typecasting, but the producers are making some bolder picks by casting Idris Elba as King Friday XIII, Meryl Streep as Lady Elaine Fairchilde and Andy Serkis as Trolley.

February

Thirsty? A new report shows U.S. chief executives earned 140 times more last year than the median salary of the workers at their companies, and that may not sit well with some. “A big concern is that internal conversations at the water cooler will lead to a decrease in morale across the business,” said a business analyst who helped prepare the study.

“Well, we’ll fix that,” said America’s CEOs, and promptly ordered the removal of the water coolers.

Nacho Fries? Taco Bell says an employee in Philadelphia who wrote a racial slur on an Asian American customer’s receipt has been fired. Taco Bell said it is retraining restaurant staff on cultural sensitivity.

Taco Bell had no comment on how it will address the cultural insensitivity of Nacho Fries, Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos Supreme and the Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

“No collusion!” Special counsel Robert Mueller has filed additional charges, including tax evasion, against Donald Trump’s former campaign manager, Paul Manafort and a business associate, Rick Gates.

Or as President Trump refers to them: “Who?”

Double secret probation: Jared Kushner, senior White House adviser and President’s Trump’s son-in-law, had his security clearance downgraded from “top secret” to “secret,” amid concerns about his ongoing background check investigation. His lower security clearance could complicate his work for the White House.

“Secret” clearance does allow Kushner to handle the president’s McDonald’s orders, spellcheck Trump’s tweets and continue in a limited role as Ivanka’s husband.

“Rambo V: Spurred to Action”: President Donald Trump, speaking to governors at the White House, further discussed his frustration with law enforcement’s response to the school shooting in Parkland, Florida, and said he “really believed I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.”

In fact, Trump said, “I’m pretty sure I would have ripped the bone spurs from my heels with my bare hands and used them on the gunman like Ninja throwing stars.”

March

Still coming for your guns: Gun store owners say sales of firearms have slipped since the beginning of the Trump administration and haven’t rebounded following the killing of 17 at a Parkland, Florida, high school, as they had after previous massacres prompted discussions on gun control.

There’s only once logical explanation: Thanks, Obama.

The new ancient Mariner: Ichiro Suzuki, who spent 11 years with the Seattle Mariners until he was traded away in 2012, has returned to Seattle to help the team plug gaps in an injury-riddled outfield. Ichiro is 44 years old.

Injuries are not expected to be a problem for the future Hall-of-Famer, as Ichiro will be issued a mobility scooter and a grabber tool for patrolling the outfield.

Expect more tweets, Mr. Mueller: President Trump, signaling a possible change in tactics; directly attacked special prosecutor Robert Mueller by tweet on Sunday. “The Mueller probe should never have been started in that there was no collusion and there was no crime,” Trump tweeted.

Mueller, confronted by Trump’s impeccable legal reasoning, ended the investigation. “Why didn’t I think of just declaring it never happened?” said every inmate in every prison.

April

And the meatballs are on us: Developers for Everett’s Riverfront residential and commercial development are looking for new retail partners after it was revealed this week that talks broke down last year to bring Ikea, the world’s largest furniture retailer, to the city.

The talks weren’t a complete bust. Ikea gave city leaders some help in finding new retailers for the development, which included pictogram instructions and Allen wrenches.

Would you like to try our Flat White? Starbucks met with protests and criticism after two black men were arrested in a Starbucks in Philadelphia while they waited for the arrival of a friend who they had planned to meet there. Both were told to leave when one asked to use the restroom, then arrested when they refused. Following the uproar, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson asked to meet with both men to apologize.

“Just meet me at the Starbucks,” Johnson said. “And don’t worry if I’m a little late.”

Mitch, please keep it down; the baby is sleeping: The U.S. Senate, font of tradition, has amended its rules against children on the Senate floor, to allow Sen. Tammy Duckworth to bring her infant daughter, born April 9, with her when the Senate is in session.

Little Maile Pearl Bowlsbey shouldn’t be much of a distraction to senators; they’re already accustomed to the gurgling sounds made by the 25 senators who are between the ages of 70 and 83.

A new, scarier meaning for “Netflix and chill”: Former PBS and CBS news anchor Charlie Rose, dismissed by both networks following allegations of sexual harassment, has reportedly pitched a new talk show to Netflix where he would interview other prominent male members of the media accused of sexual misconduct.

OK, but don’t anyone go anywhere near the green room.

Forgive me, Speaker: House Speaker Paul Ryan on Thursday fired House Chaplain and Everett native the Rev. Patrick Conroy. Democrats say it’s because Conroy had prayed for lawmakers before passage of the GOP’s tax package to ensure that “there are not winners and losers under new tax laws, but benefits balanced and shared by all Americans.”

Ryan might have let Conroy keep his job — if the priest recited 25 Hail Ayn Rands and 10 Our Ron Pauls.

May

I said, “Doctor, Mr. M.D.”: Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bornstein, said that in December, 2015, Trump dictated a statement supposedly from the doctor regarding the presidential candidate’s health that said, in part: “If elected, Mr. Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency” and that Trump’s “physical strength and stamina are extraordinary.”

Recently released school records also revealed a note that asked school officials to “please excuse The Donald because of a big league headache that was caused by his worrying about fake news from the failing class tattletale that he didn’t do his homework — which he did and is amazing — and will be turned in soon, he promises you that.” The note is signed by “Mrs. The Donald’s Mother.”

Please remove your shoes before entering: The keynote address at last week’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner by comedian Michelle Wolf was widely panned for Wolfs’ biting comments about White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and others. The correspondents’ association, itself, said the routine wasn’t in keeping with its mission “not to divide people.”

The association promised to find entertainment for next year’s dinner that is more in tune with that mission and will rent a bouncy house and a pony. (Sarah gets the first ride.)

Patience, Mr. Veep, patience: Vice President Mike Pence urged special counsel Robert Mueller to conclude his investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election. “I think it’s time to wrap it up,” Pence said on NBC’s “Today” show.

Not betraying the internal monologue in his head, Pence thought to himself: “Goodness, Mr. Mueller, Mother and I figured I would have been sworn into the Oval Office by now. How much more on that vile man do you need?”

Here kitty, kitty: Three well-meaning people in San Antonio were treated for bite wounds after rescuing what they thought were kittens. The cute stub-tailed kitties turned out bobcat cubs who destroyed the baby bottles the three attempted to feed them with.

The three planned to relax after the ordeal by swimming with dolphins. At least we’re pretty sure they’re dolphins.

Was it the garlic fries? The Seattle Mariners have lost star second baseman Robinson Cano to an 80-game suspension after he tested positive for a banned substance, a diuretic that can be used to mask the presence of steroids. Cano, who broke a bone in his right hand just days earlier, will be out until August and won’t be available if the Mariners make the playoffs. Diuretics are commonly used to rid the body of extra water and salt through urination.

And the Mariners find yet another way to piss away a season.

Please tell us Eric is next: Recently released transcripts showed that Donald Trump Jr. told the Senate Judiciary Committee last year that he didn’t remember ever discussing the Russia investigation with his father and didn’t think there was anything wrong with meeting a Russian lawyer at Trump Tower before the 2016 election. Trump Jr. repeatedly answered questions from senators with “No, not that I recall.”

And Trump Jr. needed only a brief consult with the attorney seated next to him to recall ever having met President Trump.

June

Roseanne Barred: ABC announced that it has canceled the popular reboot of the “Roseanne” TV series, after its star, Roseanne Barr posted a series of tweets that were racist, harassing and repeated false conspiracy theories. Barr apologized but seemed shocked that the network fired her.

Sorry, Roseanne, but apparently there’s only one job you’re allowed to keep after sending tweets that are racist, harassing and repeat conspiracy theories. It’s occupied, but there should be an opening in 2020.

Oh, Lord, won’t you buy a private jet plane? Televangelist Jesse Duplantis told his followers last week that he needs $54 million from them to buy a private jet, his fourth, for his ministry, explaining that if Jesus were alive today he wouldn’t be riding on the back of a donkey to reach his followers.

Maybe Jesus wouldn’t be riding a donkey, but we also don’t think he’d be seen with an ass like Duplantis.

Rocky Raccoon checked into his room: A raccoon became an internet sensation by scaling a 25-story office tower in in St. Paul, Minnesota. The raccoon was later trapped on the building’s roof and released into the wild. A raccoon expert explained the animal’s actions: “Raccoons don’t think ahead very much, so raccoons don’t have very good impulse control.”

Asked why a raccoon climbing a building would interest so many people, a human expert explained: “People on the internet don’t think ahead very much, so they don’t have very good impulse control.”

Not a quiet week in Lake Wobegon: A woman, again in Minnesota, got her head stuck in a truck’s oversized tailpipe during a music festival. Alcohol was believed to be a factor.

“And you think I’ve got impulse control problems?” said the raccoon.

July

That doesn’t suck: Seattle has barred the distribution of plastic straws and utensils by bars and restaurants to curb the amount of plastic waste going to landfills and littering the ocean.

Portland, responding to Seattle’s plastic straw and utensil ban, said it would go one better by requiring that bars and restaurants serve their customers by asking them to cup their hands together when sold food and drinks.

More than a couple of boobs involved: Prosecutors in Columbus, Ohio, have dropped charges against adult performer Stormy Daniels after she was arrested in a police “sting,” during which she rubbed the faces of undercover officers with her bare breasts during a performance at a strip club. The Columbus police chief, apologized and said the motivations of the arresting officers would be reviewed internally.

Lighten up, chief. It’s not like they asked Stormy to spank them with a rolled-up copy of Law Enforcement Monthly.

Come fly with me: President Trump announced that the new Boeing 747s that have been ordered to serve as Air Force One will be given a different paint scheme than the one used on presidential planes since 1962. The new paint job, he said, would be “top of the line, the top in the world, and it’s going to be red, white and blue, which I think is appropriate.”

Yes, very appropriate, since those are the colors of the flag of the Russian Federation.

Is tradition, Mr. President, to tell soccer ball deepest national secrets: Among the souvenirs that President Trump brought home from Helsinki was a red-and-white soccer ball from President Putin, in recognition of the recently completed World Cup in Moscow.

Trump graciously accepted the ball, then promptly scored an “own goal” with it.

Is it witch hunting season already? President Trump’s national security adviser John Bolton said that despite the president’s invitation, any visit by Russian President Vladimir Putin wouldn’t take place until “after the Russia witch hunt is over,” adding the visit would likely be delayed until next year.

And who can blame Bolton for wanting to wait. Witch hunts can get so messy, what with all the torture and summary executions. The sad thing is that means Vlad will miss the East Coast in autumn with football games and crisp fall air and the smell of piles of burning leaves and indicted witches.

Wouldn’t it be Goldfishella and not salmonella? Pepperidge Farm recalled four flavors of its popular Goldfish crackers over concerns that whey powder used to flavor the crackers might be contaminated by salmonella. Stores were pulling bags of the snack crackers and urged customers to call a customer service line.

Toddlers were asked to check under their car seats and — “No! Stop! Don’t eat that! What did I say? Get that out of your mouth this instant, mister. Spit it out. Spit it out. Yucky! Icky!”

August

Birds of a feather: The trial of Paul Manafort, President’s Trump’s former campaign manager, on bank and tax fraud charges began. Among the initial revelations were descriptions of some the things Manafort spent with his largess, including a $15,000 ostrich leather bomber jacket.

If you’re wondering why ostrich, it’s all the rage among those Trump supporters who spend so much time with their heads in the sand.

Why a duck? New projections of sea-level rise in Washington state have detailed expected changes at 171 sites along the state’s coastal areas as the ocean warms and glaciers and ice sheets melt. By 2100, Seattle’s sea level is projected to rise between 1.7 and 3.1 feet.

In reaction to the news, work has begun to replace Seattle’s new Highway 99 tunnel with a viaduct above Alaskan Way.

Making American cars great again: The Trump administration announced that it was rolling back fuel-economy standards for the nation’s cars and trucks, freezing them after 2020, and would move to end California’s authority to set its own higher standards that are used by Washington state and other states, rationalizing the heavier vehicles are safer than lighter, more fuel-efficient ones.

The nation’s automakers, celebrating the announcement, began making plans to add more weight to their vehicles, including a return to tail fins and metal dashboards that you can just hose off after an accident.

Your Philosophy 101 teacher, Professor Giuliani: Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani on Monday explained that his “truth isn’t truth” claim the day before referred to the situation where two people make contradictory statements, such as “the classic ‘he said, she said’ puzzle.”

Or when one Trump lawyer says contradictory things, such as the classic ‘Rudy said, Rudy said’ puzzle.

Continental breakfast included: U.S. Rep. Duncan Hunter, R-California, suggested in an interview that his wife, as his campaign manager, was responsible for using some $250,000 in campaign funds allegedly used illegally for personal expenses, such as trips, clothing and dental work. “So whatever she did, that will be looked at too, I’m sure,” Hunter said.

Hunter then asked if the next few nights at the San Diego Comfort Inn would qualify as a legitimate campaign expense.

Come to where the flavor is: The smoke and haze from wildfires that choked the Northwest for two weeks caused a spike in the Air Quality Index, which reached a level of 220 points, considered “very unhealthy,” a level compared to smoking seven cigarettes a day.

When the smoke cleared later that week, Big Tobacco invited nonsmokers who missed the full flavor and pleasure of inhaling smoke deep into their lungs to enjoy a pack of Marlboros, Winstons or any of its other fine products.

Born free, as free as the wind blows: Nabisco announced that in response to a campaign by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals it would redesign its package for Barnum’s Animals crackers to show the animals roaming the savanna rather than cooped up in a circus cage as the cookie boxes have shown for more than a century.

“Thank goodness that PETA has helped free Mr. Cartoon Lion from his cage,” said Maria, one of more than 500 migrant children still separated from their parents and detained in cages by the Trump administration.

September

That’s a hat trick, isn’t it? After the state Supreme Court issued a split decision regarding whether to put an initiative on the November ballot, respondents on one side of the issue asked the court to reconsider, and justices responded by requesting a briefing on how the justices’ various opinions should be interpreted — from initiative promoter Tim Eyman. The court sided with Eyman’s take.

There you go, Tim. Without having ever run for office, you have effectively dictated actions in all three branches of state government.

Ma’am, could you, like, pass the cheez doodles: As the recreational marijuana industry seeks mainstream legitimacy, it’s eager to leave behind the stereotypes of stoners and slackers. The CEO of one cannabis company, Lit.Club, is marketing a sleek and stylish vape pen with inspirational slogans like “Light a Path” that are packaged in a way “that won’t embarrass you at the opera.”

Dude. If you’re blazing at the opera, sucking on a vape pen won’t be half as embarrassing as asking if Laser Pink Floyd starts after the fat lady is done singing.

Opinion piece de “resistance”: In an anonymous opinion piece in Wednesday’s New York Times, the writer, identified as a senior official within the Trump administration, wrote that he (or she) and others were part of a “resistance” effort that was working to “preserve our democratic institutions while thwarting Mr. Trump’s more misguided impulses until he is out of office.”

Um, OK. May we ask which Trump policies has this effort thwarted? Because unless you’re talking about keeping the president from pouring ketchup over his steak or installing lane bumpers on the basement bowling alley, we’re not seeing much evidence of being saved from “misguided impulses.”

Paper towels are for winners: The president created more controversy when he denied that nearly 3,000 people had died in Puerto Rico as a result of the hurricanes, as has been determined by a George Washington University study. Trump, in tweets, said the toll was only six to 18 deaths while he was there and the number had been inflated “by Democrats in order to make me look as bad as possible,” implying that some victims died for other reasons, such as “old age.”

Isn’t that just like Democrats to die to make Trump look bad.

Murder, she wrote: A Portland, Ore., woman, a self-published “romantic suspense” novelist who once wrote an essay titled, “How to Murder Your Husband,” has been arrested in the death of her husband of 27 years.

Cracking the case wasn’t difficult, Portland Police officials said; they just skipped to the end to find out whodunnit.

Silly ol’ bear: Firefighters in Minnesota had to use the Jaws of Life to free a black bear whose head got stuck in a 10-gallon metal milk can.

Fortunately for firefighters, the bear decided against using the Jaws of Death, once it was freed.

Gathering storm: The Seattle Storm swept the Washington Mystics in three games to win its third WNBA title last week on the strength of play by league MVP Brenna Stewart and Storm veteran Sue Bird.

Seattle fans celebrated the championship season by glumly watching the Seattle Mariners miss the playoffs again and anticipating the coming Seattle Seahawk losing streak.

Get those RSVPs in: An attorney for Christine Blasey Ford, who has accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual assault when both were students at a prep school in Maryland, said Ford could appear at a Senate hearing next week but not Monday as committee leaders had suggested.

Republican Judiciary Committee members are keen to wrap up the confirmation process soon as committee chairman Chuck Grassley’s parents are out of town and Chuck has this sweet party planned for Friday night.

And Iceland, we assume, will pay? Spain’s foreign minister revealed a discussion he had with President Trump during a visit in June in which Trump recommended that Spain build a wall across the length of Africa’s Sahara Desert to combat the flow of refugees into Spain. A few complications: Spain holds no territory in the Sahara; the desert runs 3,000 miles east to west; and it’s on a separate continent.

We know what you’re thinking, Mr. President, but China’s already got one.

Not again: A recent poll by Hill.TV and the Harris X polling firm shows that if the candidates in the 2016 presidential election were on the ballot today, Hillary Clinton would again win the popular vote, this time with 41 percent to Donald Trump’s 36 percent.

The remaining 23 percent beat the pollsters senseless with their own clipboards.

Honey, where are the good sheets? During his opening testimony, Kavanaugh attempted to put the reports of drinking during his high school and college years into context, testifying, “I drank beer with my friends. … Sometimes I had too many beers. … I liked beer. I still like beer. But I did not drink beer to the point of blacking out.”

Kavanaugh’s testimony might have been more convincing, however, if he had taken off the toga and laurel wreath he was wearing.

Wanna grab some beers? The New York Times reported that “tourists in Seattle have a new must-see destination: Amazon Go, the cashierless store that company opened near downtown in January.” The Amazon Go stores uses sensors and cameras to track what customers remove from shelves and take out the doors without having to check out or even take out their wallets.

Eh, those rubes from New York must be easily impressed. We see folks go into stores, take stuff off shelves and leave without paying all the time.

What about Milk of Magnesia? The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is calling for public comments to determine if consumers are confused about the differences between milk from dairy cows and that produced from non-dairy sources such as soy beans, almonds and coconuts. The dairy industry wants the government to limit the term milk to cow’s milk only.

We know the difference between regular milk and soy milk; we just think it’s a waste of time — and a little inhumane — to round up the soy beans, almonds and coconuts to brand them before milking.

Laugh, and the whole world laughs with you: President Trump, responding to stories about laughter by members of the United Nations General Assembly to his remarks that his administration “has accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of our country in its first two years,” explained that the world’s leaders “weren’t laughing at me, they were laughing with me.” He also called the laughter “a sign of respect” because those in attendance “aren’t big into clapping, applauding, smiling.”

It’s true. Trump was a hit with the crowd. During his address, the ambassador from the Democratic Republic of Nambia stood up and yelled, “Do ‘Rocket Man!’ We love that bit!”

October

Jersey’s on beneath the robe: Judge Brett Kavanaugh apologized for his raw and acrimonious testimony before the Senate Judicial Committee and admitted he said some things he shouldn’t have. Writing in a commentary in the Wall Street Journal, Kavanaugh said he would strive to be a team player on the Supreme Court.

“You know, like the enforcer on a hockey team; I’d be good at that.”

S.W.A.K.: At a campaign rally in West Virginia, President Trump described his current close relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un: “I was really being tough and so was he,” Trump said. “And we would go back and forth. And then we fell in love. No really. He wrote me beautiful letters. They were great letters. And then we fell in love.”

Heartsick over the news, French President Emmanuel Macron, wrote Trump: “I am, how you say, full of sorrow, Donald. We had so much in common: a love of military parades, and, and, well, I guess just the military parades. But I thought we had something.” Macron then announced his plans to join the French Foreign Legion.

Must be from Trump; some of it was in all caps: Nearly all those with cellphones, some 225 million Americans, received a test “Presidential Alert” on Wednesday, a text message preceded by several loud sharp tones, meant to notify the country in the event of a terrorist attack or invasion. The message read: “Presidential Alert. THIS IS A TEST of the National Wireless Emergency Alert System. No action is needed.”

That message was followed by a second: “Had this been an actual Presidential Alert, you would have been instructed to ignore the fake news media, and there would have been at least two misspellings.”

Clearing the air: President Trump said he “has a natural instinct for science,” but the Associated Press fact-checked an interview with the president, during which he claimed that “our air now is cleaner than it’s ever been.” Trump’s own Environmental Protection Agency has released data that shows soot and smog increased in 2017, the AP reported.

Trump explained that the new EPA figures aren’t a fair comparison because “clean coal” is now spewing only clean soot and clean smog.

Return to sender: With an arrest, the investigation continues into the delivery of at least 13 pipe-bombs to political figures and others who have been outspoken critics of President Trump, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and even actor Robert De Niro. After a toned-down speech at a rally Wednesday, Trump in a tweet Thursday blamed “a very big part of the Anger” on the “purposely false and inaccurate reporting by the Mainstream Media that I refer to as Fake News.”

“It true,” said Anger, from its man cave in the American id, where it was watching “Hannity.” “Me no like Fake News. Hurt nice Mr. Trump. Make Anger angry. Sad.”

China lassos the moon: Officials for a city in China say they are planning to launch an artificial moon into orbit in 2020, a satellite that would reflect sunlight on the city at night, producing about eight times the light of the full moon and saving the city $174 million in electricity for streetlights.

That was the city’s second idea after asking all 1.386 billion Chinese to “quit listening to Trump’s phone call for a minute and shine your phone over here so we can look for our car keys.”

November

Gone in a puff of vapor: Alarmed by a significant increase in electronic cigarette use among minors, the FDA is planning severe restrictions on the sale of e-cigarettes, including a ban on most flavored devices as well as age-verification rules for online sales, even as e-cigarette makers, such as the makers of Juul, continue to claim they don’t market to minors.

But the timing couldn’t be worse. Vaping companies were planning a major marketing tie-in with McDonald’s to include an Apple Pie-flavored e-cig in the new Happy Meal For Adults — No Really, Just for Adults, No Kids.

Careful what you wish for: For the first time in eight years, Democrats won control of the U.S. House in Tuesday’s elections, likely halting the legislative agenda of President Trump and Republicans and resulting in greater oversight of the president and his administration, even as Republicans kept their handle on the Senate.

The Democrats’ celebration on the steps of the U.S. Capitol was interrupted by the spectacle of a dog catching the car it was chasing. President Trump then got out of the limo and kicked the dog.

Well, recuse me: Attorney General Jeff Sessions submitted a resignation letter to President Trump, “at your request,” following nearly two years in office under constant criticism from the president for recusing himself from oversight of special investigator Robert Mueller into alleged collusion between Trump’s presidential campaign and Russian operatives. In a tweet, Trump thanked Sessions for his service, “and wish him well.”

Trump then kicked Jeff Sessions.

Remember the Alamo, forget the rest: The Texas State Board of Education took public testimony from about three dozen people who have objected to the board’s plans to remove certain historical figures from public school curricula, including Helen Keller, Hillary Clinton and World War II’s Women Airforce Service Pilots.

The changes are being made so Texas children can read from historical texts more important to their lives, such as “Great Texas Barbecue Masters”; “Rick Perry’s Search for the Third Federal Agency He Wants to Axe” and “The Life and Times of Ted Cruz, Canada’s First Texan.”

December

It’s Mueller time: Former Trump lawyer and “fixer” Michael Cohen pleaded guilty to charges of lying to Congress regarding when talks ended with Russia for a proposed Trump Tower in Moscow. Cohen told Congress negotiations ended in early 2016, but now says they continued well into Trump’s presidential campaign, despite Trump’s denial of dealings with Russia.

Correction: Actually, the charging documents don’t mention Donald Trump, and reference someone the documents refer to as “Individual 1.” So the above statement should have read that “Cohen pleaded guilty to charges of lying to Federal Legislative Body 1 regarding when negotiations ended with Vodka-Producing Country 1 for a proposed Individual 1 Tower in Vodka-Producing County 1’s Capital City 1.”

The Buzz regrets the error.

500 Arabian nights: Lobbyists representing the government of Saudi Arabia rented 500 rooms at President Trump’s Washington, D.C., luxury hotel in the months following his election in 2016, drawing criticism from those who said the booking of hotel rooms violates the Constitution’s prohibition against foreign emoluments.

Five-hundred rooms? So, is that one for each wife? And don’t the little bottles of lotion in fancy hotel bathrooms come with their own nourishing emoluments?

Someone tell Betsy DeVos her order of Bear-B-Gon will be delayed: A robot at an Amazon warehouse in New Jersey is being blamed for the release of a cloud of bear spray after it struck a case of the repellent.

Concerned for the safety of its valued workers, Amazon evacuated the robots from the warehouse and sent a team of human workers into the noxious cloud of pepper spray to clean up the mess.

Can’t. Stop. Scrolling: Internal Facebook documents released by a committee of the United Kingdom’s Parliament provide clear evidence that the social network has used the personal data of its users as a competitive weapon, often using it to keep Facebook users in the dark.

The committee accused Facebook of cutting deals with app developers to give developers even more of its users’ personal information and … hey, look, “15 Photos that Prove Cows are Just Large Dogs.”

A series of rubes: Google CEO Sundar Pichai, testifying before the House Judiciary Committee about alleged bias by the search engine giant and others, was asked to explain why an image search for “idiot” turned up pictures for President Trump. Pichai explained that Google employees aren’t responsible for linking “idiot” with the president’s photo but rather it’s a matter of how its algorithms operate and how the search engine is used.

But, Pichai, said he’d make an exception this one time and have the search for “idiot” return images of Congress.

Elf on the shelf: Intending only a brief photo-op, President Trump instead launched into a bitter discussion with his chief Democratic rivals, incoming House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Sen. Chuck Schumer, minority leader, regarding funding for Trump’s border wall. Trump threatened a government shutdown if Democrats didn’t agree and said he take responsibility for the shutdown. “I will take the mantle,” Trump said.

“But I’m already sitting on the mantle,” said Vice President Pence, quietly, from his perch above the Oval Office fireplace.

Jon Bauer: jbauer@heraldnet.com.