Several years ago, an old friend of mine called me for some advice. We’ve known each other since our college days, and we’ve remained in touch throughout the years despite living 3,000 miles away from each other. He’s gone out of his way to help my kids at different times, and I’ve gone out of my way to help him during a particularly difficult time in his life. We’re good friends.
He was scheduled to have surgery for a serious condition which required hospitalization for three to five days and a long recovery. After we talked for a while about his concerns, I offered to fly to Boston to help him while he was in the hospital. I knew it was going to be hard on him and his wife. Sometimes it’s helpful to have an old friend around — especially if the going gets tough. But I also wasn’t surprised when he declined my offer.
It’s hard for some of us to ask for help or to accept it when it’s offered. And this seems to be true for many individuals who are the first to offer a helping hand to others. That’s my friend Bill. He’s always helping others. But it’s hard for him to accept help himself.
I think many of us are like this. We think nothing of helping others, but somehow, we’re uncomfortable when we might need help. We don’t want to impose on others, yet we don’t mind being imposed upon. I wonder why?
Being in a dependent situation (recovering from surgery) can make a person feel vulnerable. I remember when I was in the hospital for major foot surgery. I told my wife that she didn’t have to hang around and that she could stop in after work. But, in retrospect, I felt very helpless in the hospital and would have been a lot more comfortable if she had taken a couple of days off and spent the time with me. But I didn’t ask her. And like most people, she couldn’t read my mind.
Sometimes this fierce independence comes from an unprotected childhood, where adults were not so helpful. Children learn to depend on themselves and not to depend on their parents. This can result in an unconscious decision by a child that persists into adulthood — “I will never allow myself to be dependent on others if I can help it!” This is often the case for adult children of alcoholics. But the march of time and circumstance can create conditions where we’re utterly helpless. This can be very frightening. Not that anyone enjoys being in that situation.
Some people have been fortunate and so they don’t have much experience being in need. It’s an unfamiliar situation — and they’re simply uncomfortable in this new experience. They’re unsure how to navigate through unknown waters.
It’s helpful to remember:
Accepting help is a gift to the helper. Yes, that’s right. When we help a friend, a neighbor, or a family member we feel good about ourselves. Helping gives us a warm, fuzzy feeling that is good for our self-esteem and contributes to our sense of worth. Letting someone help you enables them to have that uniquely positive feeling. It’s a gift.
We’re all in the same boat, and it’s leaky. I am reminded of this fact every day in my role as a psychologist. Perhaps today I am helping someone bail the water out of their boat. But tomorrow, who knows, maybe I’ll need help keeping my boat afloat. In this life of ours, we’re all vulnerable to the strong winds and uncertain weather of lady luck. Everything can change on a dime.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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