Fed up with the squirrel show out my back window

There’s a 24/7 squirrel orgy going on in my backyard. Every time I look out the window squirrels are copulating on my picnic table. And on the fence. And in the trees. And in the bamboo. It’s like a really twisted show on cable.

We’re one of the few families on our cul-de-sac who don’t own a dog or cat. Our pet fish, Princess Rip-jaws, is pretty fierce, but she’s not very good at chasing squirrels away. So all of the squirrels in the neighborhood party at our house. It’s like Hugh Hefner’s backyard, only with a different kind of rodent.

The kids and I will be sitting there eating corn flakes and all of a sudden we hear loud chirping. My daughter asks “Mommy, what are those squirrels doing?” I mumble something about wrestling.

On the inside I’m thinking “It’s 8 a.m. for Pete’s sake. Keep your fur on!” Nothing ruins breakfast faster than watching squirrels hook up.

There are so many squirrels in our back yard — I swear I’m not making this up — they crawl up to the sliding glass window and stare, wrinkling their little noses like they’re taunting me: “Where are your nuts, lady?”

I don’t want to sound like a squirrel snob, but I’d be a lot more tolerant if they were cute little Douglas squirrels, which are native to Washington. But no, we’ve got the Eastern gray squirrel taking over the place.

I get worked up just writing about it and I haven’t even talked about bulbs yet.

Oh, my poor flowers! I’ve tried planting tulips in cages or sprinkling oyster shells around lilies, but it doesn’t make much difference. The squirrels think my flower bed is Old Country Buffet. The only thing that helps is to plant crown imperials nearby. But Fritillaria Imperiali make the yard smell like skunk.

Tulips I can buy at the store, but the real heartache comes from my plum tree. It’s a Beauty plum, with purplish-red skin that’s the perfect type of tart, and juicy flesh, as sweet as can be. Beauty plums make the best jam ever — if the squirrels don’t eat them first. In the six years we’ve had the tree, we’ve only harvested two crops. The buds are forming right now and I have no guarantee they’ll come to fruition.

Unfortunately, live squirrel traps aren’t the answer. Did you know that you need a hunting license to trap Eastern gray squirrels? Then, unless you have a permit, you can’t release them anywhere in Washington except on the property where they were trapped.

Removing rodents to the other side of town is illegal. But apparently, allowing young children to watch a XXX squirrel show at every meal is totally legit.

I love nature, but I’m pulling down the blinds. I’ve seen as much tail as I can handle.

Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two. Find her on Twitter @jennbardsley and at www.heraldnet.com/ibrakeformoms and teachingmybabytoread.com.