Fed up with the squirrel show out my back window

There’s a 24/7 squirrel orgy going on in my backyard. Every time I look out the window squirrels are copulating on my picnic table. And on the fence. And in the trees. And in the bamboo. It’s like a really twisted show on cable.

We’re one of the few families on our cul-de-sac who don’t own a dog or cat. Our pet fish, Princess Rip-jaws, is pretty fierce, but she’s not very good at chasing squirrels away. So all of the squirrels in the neighborhood party at our house. It’s like Hugh Hefner’s backyard, only with a different kind of rodent.

The kids and I will be sitting there eating corn flakes and all of a sudden we hear loud chirping. My daughter asks “Mommy, what are those squirrels doing?” I mumble something about wrestling.

On the inside I’m thinking “It’s 8 a.m. for Pete’s sake. Keep your fur on!” Nothing ruins breakfast faster than watching squirrels hook up.

There are so many squirrels in our back yard — I swear I’m not making this up — they crawl up to the sliding glass window and stare, wrinkling their little noses like they’re taunting me: “Where are your nuts, lady?”

I don’t want to sound like a squirrel snob, but I’d be a lot more tolerant if they were cute little Douglas squirrels, which are native to Washington. But no, we’ve got the Eastern gray squirrel taking over the place.

I get worked up just writing about it and I haven’t even talked about bulbs yet.

Oh, my poor flowers! I’ve tried planting tulips in cages or sprinkling oyster shells around lilies, but it doesn’t make much difference. The squirrels think my flower bed is Old Country Buffet. The only thing that helps is to plant crown imperials nearby. But Fritillaria Imperiali make the yard smell like skunk.

Tulips I can buy at the store, but the real heartache comes from my plum tree. It’s a Beauty plum, with purplish-red skin that’s the perfect type of tart, and juicy flesh, as sweet as can be. Beauty plums make the best jam ever — if the squirrels don’t eat them first. In the six years we’ve had the tree, we’ve only harvested two crops. The buds are forming right now and I have no guarantee they’ll come to fruition.

Unfortunately, live squirrel traps aren’t the answer. Did you know that you need a hunting license to trap Eastern gray squirrels? Then, unless you have a permit, you can’t release them anywhere in Washington except on the property where they were trapped.

Removing rodents to the other side of town is illegal. But apparently, allowing young children to watch a XXX squirrel show at every meal is totally legit.

I love nature, but I’m pulling down the blinds. I’ve seen as much tail as I can handle.

Jennifer Bardsley is an Edmonds mom of two. Find her on Twitter @jennbardsley and at www.heraldnet.com/ibrakeformoms and teachingmybabytoread.com.

Talk to us

More in Life

CloZee performs during the second day of Summer Meltdown on Saturday, Aug. 3, 2019 in Darrington, Wash. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
The psychedelic fest Summer Meltdown is back — and in Monroe

The music and camping event is on for July 28-31, with a new venue along the Skykomish River.

Gardening at spring. Planting tree in garden. Senior man watering planted fruit tree at his backyard
Bare root trees and roses have arrived for spring planting

They’re only available from January through March, so shop early for the tree or rose you want.

Veteran Keith F. Reyes, 64, gets his monthly pedicure at Nail Flare on Tuesday, Dec. 21, 2021 in Stanwood, Wa. (Olivia Vanni / The Herald)
No more gnarly feet: This ‘Wounded Warrior’ gets pedicures

Keith Reyes, 64, visits a Stanwood nail salon for “foot treatments” that help soothe blast injuries.

Photo Caption: A coal scuttle wasn't always used for coal; it could hold logs or collect ashes. This one from about 1900 sold for $125 at DuMouchelles in Detroit.
(c) 2022 by Cowles Syndicate Inc.
Coal scuttles of days long gone by now used for fire logs

This circa 1900 coal scuttle is made of oak with brass trim, and sold for $125 at auction.

Enumclaw, the band
Music, theater and more: What’s happening in Snohomish County

Most of these venues require proof of vaccination against COVID-19 or negative… Continue reading

Does this ring a “Belle”? Storied anime writer-director Mamoru Hosoda’s newest resets “Beauty and the Beast” in a musical, virtual environment — among other modern twists. (GKIDS/TNS)
‘Belle’ is striking virtual reality riff on ‘Beauty and the Beast’

In it, ‘Beauty’ is the charismatic online avatar of a moody teenager that attracts the attention of a bruised and brooding Beast

"Redeeming Love"
Movie review: ‘Redeeming Love’ doesn’t yield cinematic riches

The story, about a sex worker “redeemed” by a folksy farmer in Gold Rush-era California, is creepy “tradwife” fan fiction.

Eggs Florentine
Baked Eggs Florentine: A brunch favorite inspired by a queen

The kitchen manager at Quil Ceda Creek Casino shares a dish that pays homage to a spinach-crazy 16th century monarch.

This easy-to-make spinach and mushroom quiche is perfect for a light dinner or fancy brunch. (Gretchen McKay/Pittsburgh Post-Gazette/TNS)
Gretchen’s table: A spinach-mushroom quiche with cheesy goodness

The savory egg custard baked in a pie crust is easy to make — especially if you use a refrigerated crust.

Most Read