Mary’s husband Bill likes to drink red wine at night — several or more glasses. At family gatherings, dinners out and at home, he often has “several too many.” Like many adults, his alcohol consumption has increased during the COVID pandemic. After dinner, he’s likely to fall asleep in his chair. Other times, he can become angry or hostile. When Mary brings it up, he becomes aggressive. “You’re so judgmental! You’re not perfect either!” he quips.
End of conversation.
His adult children have something to say too. Usually they plead with Dad to “slow down” on the wine. Sometimes he might. But mostly he doesn’t. This has been going on for years.
Talk to your friends. You’ll be surprised at how many have a story to tell about a friend or a relative with a drug or alcohol problem.
With over 36 million Americans in 2020 suffering from substance abuse or dependency, there are millions more family members who are impacted by their relative’s substance abuse. There is a huge population of husbands, wives, parents, children, friends and neighbors who are affected by a loved one’s substance abuse.
Family and friends feel shame, anger, frustration, embarrassment and helplessness. One acquaintance told me about his mother’s head falling onto her plate of mashed potatoes on Christmas. There was dead silence around the table. No one knew what to say or do.
With the holidays around the bend, many family members fear the worst. They aren’t hoping for a new MP3 player. They are praying that their father, mother, aunt or uncle won’t get drunk.
It is often clearer for family members when the problems are more severe and result in drunken driving, loss of jobs, legal problems, or serious dysfunction. Healthy spouses may just call it quits. After all, who wants to be married to a drunk?
But there are many more “functioning” substance abusers who don’t drink or take drugs at work. Their workplace may never know they have a problem. They have learned not to drive when they drink, so they haven’t had any legal consequences of alcohol abuse. It’s their family that suffers. When they’re sober, they may be wonderful individuals. But when they’re using, they’re either absent, unavailable or impaired. It’s this group of substance abusers that can be the most challenging for family members.
So, what can family members do?
Stop hiding the problem. This is a recipe for misery. Come out of the closet and talk about it with friends, family, clergy and your health care provider. These individuals can be sources of support and help.
Don’t try talking to the person when they have been drinking or using drugs. This sounds obvious, but you would be surprised how many times family members start arguing with a drunk. It never goes anywhere.
When the family member is sober, let them know how their behavior specifically affects you. Mary can tell Bill that she feels lonely and disconnected from him when he falls asleep in his easy chair after dinner. She can also tell him that she feels embarrassed and humiliated when he becomes loud when they go out to dinner. Be kind, clear and firm.
If they try to turn the conversation back on you, firmly but patiently focus on the behaviors that cause you distress. Stand your ground without becoming aggressive (very hard to actually do!).
Get help. This is most important! Talk to a chemical dependency counselor or mental health professional. Some chemical dependency professionals can orchestrate and lead an “intervention” where family and friends meet with the alcoholic as a group. Join Al-anon (a free program for family members of alcoholics). Learning how to cope with this problem is very complex. Help is needed. Check out https://snohomishmedical.org/community-services/mental-health-chemical-dependency-resources/ for resources in Snohomish County.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library. html.
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