Why me? It’s a natural question when a family member dies before their time, when a relationship ends, or when we lose a job.
At first, we’re stunned. Deep inside, we expect our lives should unfold uneventfully. We believe we should be the master of our fate. Tragedy happens to others, but not us.
At the same time, our culture is filled with pictures of happy, satisfied people pursuing their dreams. When we are the victims of misfortune, we can feel let down by life. We may feel that something is wrong with us. We may feel that we did something wrong.
Jim loses his job when his company is bought out by another firm. At first he feels shock and then anger. But later Jim feels depressed. In his head he knows it wasn’t his fault. But in his heart he feels bad about himself.
Bill and Holly are expecting their first child. After waiting six months to conceive, they are excited! Then Holly has a miscarriage. Through their pain and disappointment, both wonder what they did wrong, despite their doctor’s assurance that it isn’t their fault.
When calamity strikes, we’re unprepared. We feel that painful experiences and major life disruptions shouldn’t happen to us. Our expectations about life do not gibe with reality. This makes us feel insecure. Inside, we believe bad things happen to bad people. This idea leads us to blame ourselves, even when we know it isn’t our fault.
The fact is, none of us are alone in calamity. Ask your friends and neighbors and they will tell you their stories. Most of us have encountered a breakup of a close relationship, a death in the family, or a serious illness of a close friend or relative.
Our lives unfold eventfully. Joyful events are interspersed with painful ones. What gets us in trouble is our expectation that life should only be filled with happiness. We forget painful experiences are an ordinary part of the life cycle.
When we accept painful experiences are an inevitable part of our lives, we are better prepared for them. We still feel hurt or sad, but we don’t blame ourselves or feel that there is something wrong with us. Feeling alone in our pain always makes us feel worse. Letting others know about our misfortune with others helps us feel closer to our human family.
Challenging life experiences helps us develop and mature. They teach us compassion for others. We want to reach out to others who are in pain. It also helps us remember what is truly important in our life.
My stepfather was in his mid-50s when he was diagnosed with a potentially life-threatening disease. At first, he was shocked and then became depressed. He spent years saving for his retirement — and now his life was in question. He started a self-help organization for people with his disease. Later in his life, he told me, “Before I became sick, I was completely involved in planning for the future. I wasn’t living in the present. Now I feel like every day is a gift. Strangely, I feel better about my life now than I ever did.”
Some points to keep in mind:
• There is a difference between pain and suffering. Pain is an unpleasant sensation; suffering is wishing that you didn’t have pain.
• Acknowledge your feelings. Don’t sweep them under the rug.
• Feeling sorry for yourself is natural. It’s a way of licking your wounds and healing. Then you can get on with your life.
• See your life as a learning experience. Don’t see yourself as a victim.
• Focus on what’s important in your life. This will help you find your way during hard times.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at The Everett Clinic. His Family Talk blog can be found at www. everettclinic.com/ healthwellness-library.html.
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