By Jon Bauer / Herald Opinion Editor
President Trump seems to have forgotten that the first rule of the Jeffrey Epstein Island Retreat Club is that you don’t talk about the Jeffrey Epstein Island Retreat Club. Or Jeffrey Epstein.
But as we could never afford the dues or muster the complete absence of shame, we’re free to talk about it as much as we like:
‘Russia, Russia, Russia’ was getting a little old: Eager to distance himself from a scandal that he keeps bringing up to rant at those who keep bringing it up, President Trump blamed Democrats for launching a hoax — including Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden — for “writing” the file on convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein and the alleged list of Epstein clients that is said to contain the names of famous politicians and celebrities.
This after Trump had curated the Epstein conspiracy among supporters, pundits and podcasters, a few of whom now hold top positions within the Department of Justice, including his attorney general, who in February promised that the client list was “on my desk for review,” but now insists such a list never existed and there’s nothing additional to release, a line that has angered many of Trump’s supporters who are still clamoring for the details.
Complained Trump in a 400-odd-word post on TruthSocial: “Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this ‘bulls***,’ hook, line, and sinker.”
“Here,” said the president to his followers. “You want conspiracy? The 2020 election was rigged! No? A little stale. Chemtrails! MTG liked that one. Not enough sex for you? Hunter Biden’s laptop. Obama’s long-form birth certificate? Pizzagate? That’s got pizza in it. Oh, wait; wind turbines cause cancer! C’mon, just stop talking about Epstein. Please!”
It was obviously drawn with Biden’s autopen: Trump is threatening to sue the Wall Street Journal over a report that described a sexually suggestive letter of 50th birthday wishes for Epstein that included a drawing of a naked woman, with the inscription, “may every day be another wonderful secret.” Trump denied writing the letter: “These are not my words, not the way I talk. Also I don’t draw pictures.”
Besides, Trump said, the girl in the drawing is not his type.
Oscar the Grouch on X, we would have understood: The producers of “Sesame Street” had to silence the X account of the fuzzy red baby monster Elmo after someone apparently hacked the Muppet’s account, posting comments that expressed anger over the Trump administration’s handling of the Epstein case but also posted antisemitic comments and racist slurs.
Wait, Elmo has an account on X? Elon Musk’s X? The social media manosphere haven of disaffected bros, racism, misogyny and soft porn? Elmo, Big Bird would like to talk to you about your screen time and social media choices. And Trump wants you to stop posting about Epstein.
Better keep that news from Elmo: The Senate voted 51-48 early Thursday to rescind $9 billion in spending at the request of President Trump, funding it previously approved, including $8 billion in foreign assistance programs and $1.1 billion in support for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. The House approved a Senate change, sending it on for Trump’s signature. Some in Congress had complained of political bias in the reporting of NPR and PBS, but neither would have received much of the spending, much of which supported individual public radio and TV stations, many of them in rural areas.
And a good thing, too. Your grandmother in Ohio is now safe from PBS’s energy-efficiency propaganda on “This Old House,” the woke multiculturalism of murder mystery “Grantchester,” and the frequent recounting of slavery and other history that makes MAGA uncomfortable on “Finding Your Roots.” Nor will she see the “Antiques Roadshow” episode where appraisers contemplate the insurance value of the leather-bound book of 50th birthday wishes for Jeffrey Epstein, including Trump’s drawing of a naked woman.
Coming soon to CBS: ‘Up Way Too Late with Donald Trump’: CBS, still awaiting Trump administration approval of the $8 billion merger of its owner Paramount with Skydance, announced that it would end “The Late Show with Steven Colbert,” next May after the host’s contract ends, calling it a “purely financial decision.” Three days before, Colbert, who has helmed the ratings-leading show for 10 years, criticized a $16 million settlement between Paramount and Trump over a “60 Minutes” segment as “a big fat bribe” to win approval for the network’s sale.
“Purely financial decision” is network-exec speak for “rolling a few heads at ‘Colbert’ and ‘60 Minutes’ to keep the bribe at no more than $16 million.”
Now, what about bringing back the cocaine, too? The Trump administration announced on Wednesday that it had convinced the Coca-Cola Co. to swap out corn syrup and make Coke with cane sugar instead, although the company made no comment on whether it had agreed to do so. Coke already makes a version of the cola sweetened with cane sugar and sold in Mexico and a few American markets. Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has blamed corn syrup, in part, for America’s obesity epidemic.
Coca-Cola also had no comment on its plans regarding Kennedy’s other demand that, like tequila, Coke put a worm at the bottom of every bottle. Also, Coke: Now 100 percent Epstein free.
Email Jon Bauer at jon.bauer@heraldnet.com. Follow him on Bluesky @jontbauer.bsky.social.
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