A while back, I flew to New York to visit my two grown-up children. It was wonderful! They both lived just two blocks away from each other in the bustling neighborhood of Brooklyn. One was a student at Columbia University in their Family Nurse Practitioner Program, while my older daughter worked as a yoga teacher and body therapist. I spent the weekend with them, getting caught up in their lives. They have a really close, loving adult relationship, and they consider each other to be best friends. It was truly heartwarming to witness.
As I spend time with my children in their adult lives, I find myself reflecting on their childhood and the challenges my wife and I faced. We truly enjoyed having children, and now we are overjoyed to have grandchildren. However, I can’t help but think about the impact of the decisions we made when they were young. Throughout their childhood, parents need to make countless decisions, big and small. It can feel overwhelming at the moment, and we often have no idea how our choices will pan out in the long run.
Today, there are countless resources — such as books, tapes, magazines, articles and online information — that offer advice for raising children. With such an overwhelming amount of advice, it can be confusing for parents. No matter how much guidance we receive, we still cannot foresee the future, which is a common source of worry for moms and dads.
Being intentional about the seeds you want to nurture in your child’s life is important. When watered and cultivated, these seeds will grow into the plants you hope to see. Mindful parenting helps us nurture our awareness of who our children happen to be and how we can help them develop into the adults we would like them to become.
Below are some important points to consider.
Remember that childhood only comprises one-quarter of our lifespan. While the first 20 years of their life are particularly important, our mission is to help our youngsters establish the foundation for most of their lifetime: adulthood. It’s easy to forget this fact when they are 8 years old and having trouble during recess.
Take the long view. How might the decisions I make today set the stage for skills, knowledge and attitudes in adult life?
What is your child’s temperament, personality, strengths and weaknesses? This can be difficult to see. Our intense love for our kids can be blinding. But look closely. Who are they when they come into the world and start to take their first steps? What type of baby were they? How does their innate temperament interact with their family and the world around them? What are their strengths and what areas do they need to strengthen?
How can we help our kids find balance? What aspects of their personhood do we want to nurture? My youngest was focused on herself and my oldest often thought of others first. We tried to steer our youngest into experiences that would help her build compassion for others. We wanted her sister to see into her needs and better care for herself.
People and institutions outside of the family influence children. Teachers, relatives, schools and religious organizations can substantially impact kids. We don’t have control over how these individuals relate to our children. But we do have control over which “pasture” we place them in. Be thoughtful about what influences you want your children to be exposed to.
As they grow, think about how to provide children with experiences that enrich their lives. Sometimes parents depend too much on “mini-lectures” to communicate important messages. Children turn off to these monologues at an early age — regardless of the importance of what you have to say. Better to consider how you can arrange for them to have experiences that teach them important life lessons.
Paul Schoenfeld is a clinical psychologist at Optum Care Washington, formerly The Everett Clinic.
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